Stargate SG-1 Alternate Episode Titles

Here are my amateurish yet knowledgeable ideas for renaming certain episodes.  The ideas are based purely on egotistical bias for what I believe was slipshod writing coupled with stupidity.  So why would I even have a website dedicated to such idiotic writing of a Sci-fi TV show?  Because the characters are wonderful ideas with amazing possibilities.  The unfortunate problems that followed were due to lazy thinking, homophobic ideology, ignorance, and lack of vision.  If I do say so myself.  And while it should go without saying, these are my opinions.  It should also go without saying that they are no better than anyone else’s–even if I think they are.

Now, a few explanations.  There are numerous episodes where I’ve written “Pointless” as the title, or I’ve written a purposely-overlong and sarcastic title, or where some titles are purposely sinister or negative.  My reasons:   1)  The episode itself didn’t add to the ongoing series plot or character development.  2)  They made the central characters look bad (contrary to their established personality characteristics).  3)  The ideas weren’t funny or cute or innovative or endearing.  They were just f*cking stupid.

Lastly, some titles I changed just because the point of the title went over my head.  Honestly, sometimes a title can just be pretentious twaddle. (and that can apply to my own changes as well)

Some episodes aren’t listed because their titles were either fitting or I could find nothing wrong with them.

Caveat:  I’m an Army Veteran.  Some episodes pissed me off because they flagrantly abused military knowledge.  Yes, it’s a TV show, but dammit, be correct.  So I changed the titles to reflect the writers or producers stupidity.

All that said, here we go:


Original Title Replacement Title Reason for Changing the Title
 Children of the Gods  The Goa’uld  Seems more fitting to me.
 Emancipation  Culture Clash  Because the entire episode was a sexist clusterfuck, never mind a denegration of Captain Sam Carter’s professional behavior.
 Broca Divide  Devolution  Despite the fact that this episode introduces another replicated culture (Minoan), it’s all about making everyone a caveman.  It doesn’t deserve a clever title.
 First Commandment  I Am Your God  Let’s not bring the bible into this.
 Brief Candle  Experimentation  Doesn’t deserve clever title.
 Cold Lazarus  The Unity  It’s about the crystals, which end up telling us about Jack’s painful loss of his son.
 Hathor  The Queen  It actually should be, “Goa’uld Queen Rapes Daniel and Jack and No One Notices”
 Enigma  The Tollan  Where’s the enigma?  We’re introduced to the Tollan and the interfering NID.
 Tin Man  The Replacements  Because Tin Man makes no sense to me.  I know what it means.  It just makes no sense.
 Solitudes  Survival  Better title.
 Bane  Macro  Big bug
 Spirits  Manifest Destiny  Because they’re enacting it on another planet.  History repeating itself.
 Touchstone  Rogues  Because it’s more about what the NID did
 Show and Tell  The Reetou  C’mon.  Show and Tell?
 Out of Mind  Looking Glass  Because they fell down the rabbit hole?
 Into the Fire  Hathor  Because it’s all about the bitch
 Seth  Cult  Because it is and has nothing to do with a “Goa’uld”, just brainwashing.  Lame ass storyline, never mind title character.  It should have been Set and a more sinister storyline.
 Legacy  Asylum  I’m sorry.  It’s a great ep, but the title has little to do with the action.
 Point of View  From an Alternate Reality  I was tempted to use this title for Daniel’s “There But for the Grace of God” because I hate bible-based titles but its sentiment fit.  The title here doesn’t.
 Rules of Engagement  Pointless I  Because it is.  All it really does is introduce more Goa’uld tech.  Useful but could have been done in a better ep.
 Past and Present  The Bitch is Back  It’s also a pointless ep.  The previous episode is Daniel losing Shau’re.  In this, he’s already losing it over another evil bitch? C’mon, people.
 Pretense  Skaara  Because it’s supposed to be about him, remember?
 A Hundred Days  Stranded  A less clever title for a shit ep.  I hate the episode like you wouldn’t believe.  Even more so than Emancipation.
 New Ground  Pointless II  Because it is.
 Maternal Instinct  The Test  Whose maternal instinct?  Oma’s?  Give me a break.  It’s more about passing a test than a Jaffa reaching enlightenment or Daniel finding his stepkid.
 Nemesis  Thor’s Bane  Because it is.
 Small Victories  Spiders  C’mon.  Because they are.  There is no victory.  Daniel is told by Jack to kill him.  Where’s the victory?  All the bugs are dead?  Big deal.
 The Other Side  The Enemy  Because it’s all about that, never mind Jack behaves like one toward Daniel and Hammond’s superiors behave the same.
 Upgrades  Tok’ra Barbie 1  Because it is.  The powers that be brought in the woman for tit value, nothing else.
 Crossroads  Betrayal  Because it is.  Teal’c has an affair with his old flame and considers leaving.  What?
 Divide and Conquer  Tok’ra Barbie 2  It’s supposed to be about Divide and Conquer but we get Tit-Clothing Barbie interrogating the ‘Ship’ bullshit of Jack and Sam.  These scenes are a waste of material.  It should have remained focused on a search for the traitor (which in all fairness could have been Teal’c given that previous episode but he was never gone long enough to have been nabbed and tortured/implanted).  It was also a perfectly good waste of a Tok’ra (Martouf).  It was pretty good for angst value, but it sucked anyway.
 Window of Opportunity  Dumbshit Day  I know.  No swear words in titles, but it’s a stupid episode.  First, a rather decent machination by an alien who’s in mourning.  Then Groundhog Day, which could have been awesome but instead became a series of stupid shit because it’s only Jack and Teal’c and not all four of them going through said Groundhog Day.  There’s a sexual assault implication because Jack takes advantage of Sam knowing she’ll never remember it.  It’s just a kiss, but it’s the thought and premeditation behind it that’s troubling.  Then there’s the ending, where it’s suddenly Jack who’s all emotional with Mordecai because he lost a son.  WTF?  Mordecai lost his wife.  So did Daniel.  Why isn’t it Daniel who gets to be emotional?  Because RDA wanted it his way, that’s why.
 Scorched Earth  Illegal Order  Because what Jack tells Sam to do is an illegal order and they both should have been court-martialed.
 Point of No Return  Pointless III  I have no words.
 Tangent  Oxygen  Tangent makes no sense to me.  I know the meaning of the word.  It just doesn’t belong.
 The Curse  Osiris and the Tantrum of Jack  This had so much potential but they decided to split up the team so Jack could throw an unprofessional tantrum.  Are you insane, RDA?  WTF is up your ass?  So we get a partly decent episode but then we have Janet going along instead of Jack and Teal’c.  Makes no sense whatsoever.
 2010  A Warning into the Past  Because it is.
 Prodigy  Pointless IV  Because it is.
 Entity  Pointless V  Because it is.  And Jack acts like a complete ass toward Sam.  It’s bizarre.
 Enemies  Serpent’s Charge  Because it’s about Apophis.  Hello.
 The Fifth Man  Pointless VI  All it does is introduce another NID officer and pointless characters.
 Red Sky  Pointless VII  Because it is.
 Rite of Passage  Cassie  Because it’s about her.
 The Tomb  Let’s Kill Some Russians  Sigh.  It had good potential and was just ruined by killing most of them plus of the unexplained racism Jack exhibits toward them.  It’s more than unbearable.
 Between Two Fires  Tollans Die  Because that’s all that happens here.
 2001  The Aschen  They find out what the warning was all about, despite being told not to.  The title should also be “The Unfeeling Boys”.  When Sam tumbles out of the gate, down the ramp, with a goddamn broken arm, all her teammates do is stand there.  WTF?  Did the writer and director have their heads up their asses?
 Desperate Measures  Pointless VIII  Because it is.
 Wormhole Xtreme  Pointless IX  Ditto.
 Proving Ground  Training Day Pointless  Obvious.
 Fail Safe  Pointless X  An episode designed for Jack/Sam.
 The Warrior  Cult II  Because it is, this time on the Jaffa side of things.
 Menace  Jack is a Bitch  Because he is.  His attitude toward Daniel in this entire episode is beyond believable.  The actors’ excuses say it was just after 9/11.  That’s bullshit.  The writers didn’t have to take it out on Daniel, especially since he dies two episodes later.
 Revelations  Thor’s Secret  Because it’s a Thor episode.
 Redemption 1 & 2  We Can Be Three  Because Jonas should never have been hired.  Besides, the actor was a pain in the ass Scientologist.
 Descent  It Could Have Been Davis  Major Davis is in Daniel’s role as an archaeologist in this episode.  I wouldn’t have minded if he’d stayed there.  Temporarily.  But they needed an excuse for Jonas to prove himself so he swims like a fish.  Whoopee.
 Frozen  Ancient Flaw  The disease which supposedly wiped out a bunch of Ancients gets Jack so he’s out for the next episode.
 Nightwalkers  Pointless XI  Because it’s about a town being infected by Goa’uld who build a ship.  Are you kidding?
 Shadow Play  Pointless XII  Jonas episode.
 The Other Guys  Pointless XIII  Humor episode which isn’t.
 Sight Unseen  Almost Pointless  Jack and Harry are the only good things.
 Metamorphosis  Pointless XIV  So Nirrti changes Jonas.  So what?  He doesn’t stick around anyway.
 Disclosure  Pointless XV  Clip show.
 Forsaken  Prison Ship  Because it is.
 The Changeling  Teal’c Interrupted  Original Title
 Memento  Pointless XVI  Because it is.
 Prophecy  Pointless XVII  Jonas episode.
 Full Circle  Pointless XVIII  Yes, Ascended Daniel is in it but what does he do?  He gives a weapon to Anubis which then forces him to act against him.  It’s stupid.  Plus, he’s spared from having to explain to Sam why she was left out of his “visits”.
 Fragile Balance  Pointless XIX  It could have been a good episode but the ending of this episode is extremely pedo.
 Orpheus  Vision  Because Orpheus makes no sense.
 Enemy Mine  Eminent Domain  To use the title of that movie was a lame ass move.  Otherwise, the ep is okay.
 Space Race  Pointless XX  Because.
 Avenger 2.0  Creep  Because he is.  And it’s a pointless ep.  But the Creep title fits better.
 Birthright  They Could Have Been Valkyries  Because it had potential and the writers/producers fucked it up like they do with all women characters, including Sam.
 Evolution 1 & 2  Artifact/Universal Soldier  This should have been two separate plot episodes.  1.  The team heads to Honduras to investigate a possible Goa’uld device.  2.  The team heads to a stronghold of Anubis.
 Grace  Sam Interrupted  It wasn’t a bad episode apart from two instances:  1.  ‘Ship (for those who don’t know what that means, it refers to Jack/Sam romance bullshit).  2.  Jack’s inexplicable hostility to Daniel when he talks about Sam.  In my not so humble opinion (IMNSHO), the *only* reason for this bullshit behavior is the producers/writers homophobia.  They refuse to have any more close friendship association between Jack and Daniel after season 3 and the reason for this is due to fans pairing them up romantically.  They made a slight allowance in season 5’s Meridian because Daniel is dying and would therefore be out of the frame for fans to create any slash (homoerotic) scenes.  There is proof of my claim of homophobia.  1.  During season 6, there was very little hint at Jack/Sam.  When Daniel returned in season 7, the ‘ship returned because Daniel was once more a threat.  2.  In Moebius, Alternate Jack alludes to Alternate Sam that he doesn’t like Daniel, that there’s something *wrong* with him, implying that he’s gay.
 Fallout  Pointless XXI  Jonas.
 Chimera  Osiris Revisited  Because Chimera didn’t fit.
 Death Knell  Battle  Because it is.
 Heroes 1 & 2  Pointless XXII  Because they needlessly murdered Janet.
 Resurrection  Chimera  The girl is a hybrid and medically, a Chimera is someone with two separate strands of DNA.
 Inauguration  Pointless XXIII  More idiotic Anubis crap.
 New Order 1 & 2  Alliance/Revival  Because they didn’t deserve the same idiotic name.
 Icon  Revolution  Because it is.
 Affinity  Pointless XXIV  They give Teal’c an apartment, then take it away because he can’t assimilate.  This is stupid.  Plus they decorated his apartment like someone who has an African heritage.  It was stupid.
 Covenant  Pointless XXV  Because it was.
 Sacrifices  Pointless XXVI  Ditto.
 Endgame  Pointless XXVII  Ditto.
 Gemini  Morons R Us  Sam fucks up for no good reason.
 Prometheus Unbound  Pointless XXVIII  Daniel meets Vala, fights with Vala, makes out with Vala, shoots Vala, dresses up as an Anubis soldier, sets up alien bounty hunters, makes friends with Vala.  What?
 Full Alert  Pointless XXIX  Because it is.
 Citizen Joe  Super Pointless  Like Wormhole Xtreme, Avenger 2.0, Point of No Return, there was absolutely no reason for this ep.  They keep trying to turn SG-1 into a Dramedy when it clearly isn’t.  Besides, they have no idea how to do dry wit.
 Reckoning 1 & 2  Jaffa Nation/Capture  Should have been two separate episodes instead of two plotlines within the same two-parter.
 Threads  Weigh Station  Let’s just forget all about that shit with Jack and Sam.  And let’s forget the needless killing of Jacob Carter/Selmak, shall we?
 Moebius 1 & 2  Pointless XXX  Deserves the XXX.  It’s a triple X rating of stupid.  They could have done something better with “Let’s find a ZedPM.”  Instead, they cocked it all up just to do a revisionist history where they bash Daniel once again.  Assholes.
 Season 9 and 10  POINTLESS AD INFINITUM  Because it was.  If they wanted to keep going after Jack left, then SG-1 could have been a three-person team with Hammond returning.  But Nooooo.  They had to cock it up by shitting all over Sam’s seniority, giving a newbie her rightful job, and sending her to Area 51.  That is some seriously BAD writing and a major dissing of a main character.  Fuck you, Powers That Be.
 Films  Pointless Beyond  Since no season 9 and 10, Ark of Truth doesn’t exist.  Millennium was just one big cock up, never mind another excuse for Jack/Sam ship.

If there were to be films, they would have been to tie up the many loose “threads” after “Weigh Station”.