J/D | Mature | 30 kb / 11 pages / 4,400 words
SNAFU-fic/Dramedy Smut
Summary:  Sometimes, things go wrong when having sex.
Released 3/15/09

In the bathroom, Jack frowned as he examined the new bottle of lube he'd picked up on the way home. The plastic packaging was sealed so tightly on the bottle that it was difficult to find a seam to split or tab to rip. After spending a minute's frustration trying, he opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the nail scissors Daniel kept there. The scissors were too small for his hand and he briefly took a moment to wonder how the hell Daniel used the damn things.

Pressing the sharp tip into the plastic just under the cap, he began to slide the scissors along the ridge, turning the bottle with the other hand. Working toward him instead of away from him, there was a quick inner warning to reverse direction just as the scissors lost contact and slipped. Their momentum slashed across the tip of his right thumb and Jack froze, standing there staring at it. It hadn't hurt, and that told him nothing bad had happened. Still, he waited, hoping that was the case, but the white slice of skin slowly reddened. And then he twitched his thumb. Blood welled up through the cut. The surge of satisfaction and accomplishment that had been building abruptly vanished.

"Fuck," he whispered in disgust. He sighed and stared at the ceiling, then shook his head. It figured that this would happen. Time alone with Daniel had been nonexistent lately, and every time it looked like they'd get a break, something would screw it up.

Washing his thumb and applying tissue, he grabbed the box of bandaids. His thumb was already throbbing, and it intensified the general sexual frustration that had been building for months. He stared at the lube packaging, which now had a piece of open plastic he could grab and rip open. What the hell had possessed him to buy warming lube? And why hadn't he noticed this problem? Answer: he was too focused on sex and not on what he was doing.

And still, it begged the obvious question. Why change from the standard stuff that had worked perfectly well? That answer was also obvious: It was Daniel's fault, with his "Try new things, Jack" mantra. For reasons Jack preferred to ignore, he had stupidly applied Daniel's suggestion to buying new lube. He should have known better. New toys were okay. New lube, not so much.

Ripping off the plastic and thinking the evening wasn't a total bust, his belief was smacked down by the sudden and unmistakeable sound of a body falling and crashing into something hard in the adjacent bedroom. Jack turned, one foot planted firmly toward the door, but a split second later, his fears about serious harm were alleviated by "Goddammit, Jack!". Other curses followed and Jack froze and closed his eyes. "Shit, now what?"

. .

Rubbing his head as he got to his feet, Daniel thought of two things: Killing Jack, and Chevy Chase's pratfalls on Saturday Night Live. He was torn between laughing and shouting, till Jack appeared in the bathroom doorway. Scowling, he scooped up a shoe and held it accusingly.

"Do you have to leave these in the middle of the room?"

Jack, feeling a complex mixture of guilt and confusion, stared back at him as he tried to piece together what had just happened. Daniel's jeans were bunched around one ankle and his t-shirt was hiked up on one side. One hand was holding the side of his head and the other was holding a loafer. The effect, however unintentional, was comical.

Right now was not the time to laugh, but that only nurtured the tension in his chest just aching to burst forth. The frustration and anger he'd been feeling at himself was replaced with inappropriate amusement at Daniel's disheveled, angry appearance. He needed to tread carefully here or Daniel would get royally pissed off and their rare night alone would end up with each of them sleeping in their own beds.

Feeling truly apologetic, Jack made a face. "Sorry," he said contritely, though defensiveness followed and he immediately blamed their jobs for his lack of housekeeping. "What do you expect? We've been apart so long that I've fallen back on my bad habits. Is your bedroom any better?"

Daniel turned away and sat down on the foot of the bed, kicking his jeans off his foot. "Given that you don't know that sort of makes the point all around, doesn't it?" When Jack sat down next to him, he leaned against him and dropped the injured side of his head--still covered by his hand--onto his lover's shoulder. He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling both weary and sexually aroused. "The universe seems to be picking on us lately."

He could imagine Jack grinning at that, given that he'd been saying something similar for six months. But instead of showing that he was right or replying with something sarcastic, Jack turned to examine his injury. His fingers were cold against his scalp and Daniel winced when the knot was found.

"Sorry," Jack whispered.

Daniel knew it wasn't about touching it and he dredged up a smile. "You would probably be saying that a lot more if you'd seen what had happened." He paused and smirked at Jack's studied look and nodded. "Yeah, I would've too." Looking down, he noticed the bandaid. "What happened?"

Jack suddenly made a rude noise and got up, went to the bathroom, then returned with the bottle and tossed it, almost accusingly, into Daniel's lap. "I thought I'd try something new. Should've known better. The packaging was a bitch."

It was Daniel's turn to try and smother the laughter that wanted to escape, but when he looked into Jack's eyes, and saw the same sort of resistance, they both gave in and burst out laughing.

"What else can go wrong?" Jack said as he put his arm around Daniel's shoulders.

"Oh shit, you just jinxed it," Daniel snorted.

"How could I? It's begun without me."

Daniel snickered and tossed the lube over his shoulder as he turned for a kiss. Jack joined him eagerly and their lips met with open hunger, tongues exploring thoroughly as if reinvestigating lost terrain. Daniel's irritation with Jack quickly dissolved, overridden by his desire to finally have sex after months of interference. Though the bump on his head was throbbing even more than before, he could easily ignore it. Sex with Jack would always win the focus competition.

Clothes were finally shed and still kissing, with hands now teasing backs and chests, they fell back on the bed with a rush of relief. Something sharp and hard dug into Daniel's back and he quickly ferreted out the tube of lube and tossed it over his head. It landed on the pillows, well out of the way until they moved up the bed. By then, Daniel thought, they'd actually have need of it.

Rolling on top of his lover, Daniel pressed Jack into the bed with a harder, more insistent kiss. Fingers mirrored the emotion as they deftly reached for an experienced grope of Jack's thickening erection. His lover groaned into his mouth and reached to return the favor, and Daniel gave him better access by moving slightly to the side.

Breathing became heavier as their concentration intensified and all too soon they were moving up the bed. Reaching the pillows, Daniel brushed the lube aside, making a note of where it landed. With a smile at Jack, he reached down for more tactile pleasure but paused when they both became aware of an odd, irritating sound invading the room.

Whirrrrr-crick, whirrrrr-crack. Whirrrr-crick, whirrrr-crack.

The ceiling fan overhead.

Daniel turned and looked up, brow furrowing again. "I thought you fixed it."

Jack chewed at his lip as he glared at the traitorous fan. "Guess the WD-40 didn't work."

Daniel sighed and met Jack's gaze. "So obviously not a lube problem."

Jack grinned with mischief. "Nope. Speaking of..."

Daniel fished out the lube behind him and tapped Jack's chest with it. "So, what's your choice today?"

Jack took the lube from his lover's fingers and grinned wolfishly. "My knees are feeling pretty good today."

Daniel cracked a filthy smile. "Why grandma, what big--"

Jack lunged, bringing their lips together in a passionate kiss as he rolled them over. Even through the kiss, Daniel was both laughing and trying to finish his sentence and that compelled Jack to kiss him harder. Moving a hand down, smoothing over waist and hip in a long caress, he snuck in-between them for a few firmly distracting strokes, finally achieving the goal the kiss couldn't. Daniel groaned and spread his legs while he moved his hands encouragingly across Jack's back and down over his ass.

Jack loved the touches and caresses, and wanted to indulge in this a little more, but right now, he wanted just a bit more sensation. With a purposeful grin, he pushed up and knelt before his lover, lube in hand.

"You're in a hurry," Daniel commented. Though his words might have indicated criticism, the tone didn't, and it matched the movement of his hands as he ran them down Jack's chest and belly.

"Later with the oral," Jack replied as he squirted the gel onto his fingers. He stared at it, testing the feel of it. It didn't feel all that warming, but perhaps because it wasn't meant for fingers. Meeting Daniel's gaze, he began to reach down between them ... but stopped when a car's engine echoed outside as someone pulled into the driveway.

They exchanged puzzled frowns. "You're not expecting anyone ... are you?" Daniel asked.

"No," Jack replied irritably as he dropped the lube and grabbed at the bed covers, wiping off his fingers. Rolling off the bed and snatching up his jeans, he went over to the window and looked to his right. Carter's pale blue car seemed to mock him and getting out wasn't just her, but Teal'c. "Sonofabitch. It's Carter and Teal'c."

"What?" Daniel growled under his breath and dove at the foot of the bed, grabbing his jeans off the floor. "We need to think up an excuse and fast."

As they redressed quickly, many lies were debated and tossed out. Daniel's head bump began to throb a bit more than before and he reached up to rub it just as they headed out of the bedroom. When Jack gently slapped at his hand, silently ordering him to leave it alone, Daniel ignored him out of sheer rebelliousness. The exchange, a typical one they both tended to treat as trivial, gave him an idea.

"Follow my lead," he suggested. "And I know it'll be difficult, but act as cranky as possible."

"Bite me," Jack replied, but he didn't argue with him because he hadn't yet come up with a plan. It was ironic because that actually annoyed him, so he was off to a head start. Adding to his annoyance was Daniel reaching out to straighten his bed hair, and just as Daniel had done moments before, Jack swatted his hand away. "Move over here," he said, grabbing Daniel by the arm and ushered around to his right. "So they can see you."

"Fine," Daniel said, and pulled free of his grasp just as Jack opened the door. Daniel knew they'd seen the motion and figured it would work to their advantage.

"Carter, Teal'c," Jack said, leaning against the open door but not inviting them in. "What's up?"

Sam and Teal'c stared at the two of them and Daniel noticed her eyes raking them over, lingering at the spreading bruise just now appearing on at the edge of his hairline. She frowned, but didn't say anything right off.

"Daniel. This explains why you weren't home."

"I thought the Jeep in the drive would've done that," Jack snapped, then appeared to look a little guilty for the harsh tone. "I repeat, what's up?" He knew it wasn't an emergency at the mountain. The beepers in their jeans would have gone off.

"We are here to invite you to dine with us," Teal'c said.

As Daniel had hoped, his friend's gaze was also noting the bruise on his face. It would be only a moment before he noticed the bandaid on Jack's thumb. While their body language was likely screaming "Go away!", that didn't mean they would.

"We're ..." Jack began, but paused and looked at Daniel, handing over the lead.

Daniel quickly cleared his throat. "We, uh, we're in the middle of a talk. Rain check?"

Jack frowned at him, as if to say, "That's all you got?" However, he followed Daniel's lead anyway, wondering when this mysterious plan would fall apart. "We've things to discuss." He tried to appear non-emotional but the look he returned to Sam and Teal'c didn't convey that.

Going by the frowns of concern on their faces, Daniel knew they were buying that something was wrong between them. He only wished he'd had time to clue Jack in.

"You're not fighting again, are you?" she asked, and added "Sir" when her eyes met Jack's.

Jack glanced at Daniel, finally catching on to his plan. "No, we're just having a discussion," he answered, knowing that his denial would equal confirmation instead. His reply was a standard one, given during all their interrupted disagreements, especially those that showed a little wear and tear. Like they did now. Though there had never been any physical confrontations between them, alien tech notwithstanding, a few shoves here and there and a lot of shouting was enough to make others believe it was possible. Going by the looks on their faces, Sam and Teal'c were believing it was possible.

Jack almost felt bad, but the need rumbling deep inside his belly didn't much care. Guilt could be indulged later. Or not. "Trust me, we're just ironing out a few things. So like Daniel said, rain check." Unlike Daniel, however, he didn't make it a request.

Puzzled and obviously concerned, Sam said, "Sure thing." She switched her regard to Daniel and opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to think better of it when she looked back at Jack. Instead, sarcasm rose as a means of escape. "Just don't break anything."

Daniel snorted. "We'll be fine."

The moment they disappeared, Jack and Daniel impatiently, and with heady anticipation, returned to the bedroom, removing their clothes along the way. Leaving them in piles near the doorway, they literally jumped back on the bed, arms and legs tangling up as they scrambled to get back into place.

"Where were we?" Jack asked rhetorically, picking up the lube as he settled once more between Daniel's legs.

"About to get fucked, I think," Daniel replied anyway. He returned to his caresses, both to bring back their momentum and to get them hard again. But as they moved through the mechanics, their dicks didn't seem to be getting with the program. It wasn't a problem, however. They'd met this sort of thing before, and with practiced skill, Daniel took their dicks in both hands and pressed them together, stroking purposefully.

Jack's fingers were lubed again, so as Daniel encouraged their dicks to return to flag-waving force, he reached down and finally touched the sensitive opening nestled between his ass cheeks. He watched with satisfaction as Daniel bit his lip in pleasure, body responding. His lover's dick began to swell and the sphincter muscles opened and closed around the teasing torment of his fingers. Getting him hard and prepped was half the fun, but there were moments of distraction as Daniel returned the favor, using his expert grip to bring Jack to full hardness. Still, some distractions were good, just as some pauses during sex were good. He grabbed for a condom and applied both it and the lube, but when he looked up into Daniel's face, he found a slight wrinkle between his brows. "What?"

"It's a little warm," Daniel replied, making Jack snort out a laugh.

"Because it's supposed to be," Jack grinned as he leaned over and directed the head of his cock.

Daniel merely nodded, giving attention to Jack's entry instead. Continuing to bite at his lip, he raised his knees and groaned with pleasure and relief at the slow penetration he'd been waiting months to feel. Jack always felt larger than usual whenever they went without for a while, and sometimes, Daniel didn't mind so much. Not on the days when he wanted to be filled as if to the breaking point. Today was that day. The lump on his head, along with the throbbing, seemed to be reinforcing that feeling.

"Look at me," Jack said quietly, hating it when Daniel closed his eyes. He liked to watch him, see the emotion in his eyes, because what was happening to his body was always reflected there. Daniel returned his gaze, eyes glittering with need and want, and Jack stared hard as he pulled back for the first thrust.

At that moment, a grating, jarring noise outside interrupted their mood: It was the sound of a motorcycle with a missing muffler, and it was buzzing down the street. Loudly.

Jack growled menacingly and briefly looked in the direction of the window--thankfully closed. "One of these days, I'm going to paintball that little sonofabitch." He drew out a distracting thrust, making Daniel bite his lip again. He really loved that.

Another roar from the muffler of doom and it soon became obvious that the rider of the bike wasn't going away.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Daniel asked as the shithead passed down the street for the third time.

"Pissing everyone off," Jack responded, but his mind was slowly edging away from loud noises. His dick felt hot and it was obvious that the warming lube was coming through the thin condom. "Damn, that stuff's like peppermint."

Daniel couldn't agree more; the heat was certainly a nice addition once he got used to it, but he wondered if it didn't get to be too much after ... "Wait, peppermint? You've used peppermint?"

Jack stalled for a moment, then moved his hips again. "My bad. Thought we'd done that already. Remind me to go to the drug store tomorrow."

"Done," Daniel replied with a smile. Spreading his legs a little wider, he reached down to take his cock in hand, stroking in alternating time with Jack's movements. "Speed up." When Jack raised a brow, Daniel grinned wickedly and challenged him. "If you can."

The first fast stroke was anti-climactic as it pulled a hair from one of Daniel's balls and he hissed and reached down, rubbing.

"Didn't you shave?" Jack asked, confused.

"Apparently I missed a couple," Daniel replied, and after a few seconds passed and feelings returned to normal, he returned to jerking off. Or he tried to.

As Jack sped up his thrusts, the lube began to heat up more than they both expected. They kept going, but it soon became apparent that perhaps they'd used the wrong lube.

"Damn," Daniel hissed.

"No shit, but I don't want to stop," Jack replied, refusing to slow his rhythm.

"No, I don't want that either," Daniel agreed.

"In fact, this is pretty damn interesting," Jack said, and he grabbed the top of the shallow headboard. "I'm almost ready to head for home. What about you?"

Daniel met his gaze as he reached up to place his hands between Jack's. With another challenging look, he said, "Make us come before that lube begins to burn and I'll give you that ride you like over the kitchen table."

With a nasty smile, Jack tightened his grip and let his hips fly. The pleasure was acute and welcome, and it was made strange and imperfect (and still welcome) by the intense warming of the lube. "Nice," Jack murmured.

As they moved, the bed rocked back and forth, its wooden frame and headboard starting to creak, first slightly and then more acutely. It wasn't noticeable at first, but after several minutes, it soon began to sound like a warning bell. Jack and Daniel heard it, but they didn't give it another thought beyond it being a typical sound. Bed creaks were supposed to be there. They were part of sex sounds, and right now, the loud creaking became like a beacon guiding them home.

It grew louder, and louder still, indicating more than just simple, ordinary strain, but both men were well past caring. All they were focused on was getting to their orgasms, and doing so before the lube precipitated necessary withdrawal. Sweat passed the beaded stage, becoming a thin, shiny sheet covering their skin, and they were beginning to slip against each other.

Daniel arched his head back, loving the way the drops fell from Jack's face and onto his neck. "Harder, dammit," he growled, and inhaled sharply when Jack silently complied.

Then came an ominous creak, then another, and another, each in time with Jack's thrusts and the movement against the bed, until finally the entire wooden box frame broke with a CRACK!

Not entirely collapsed to the floor, the right front corner was lower than the left and the sides wobbled a bit, threatening to bring them completely down. Alarmed, they stared wide-eyed at each other.

"Fuck," Jack growled. Refusing to stop, he drew a testing thrust to see what would happen.

And Daniel began to laugh.

"What the hell's so funny?" Jack asked, relieved when the bed didn't drop further.

"Sam told us not to break anything."

Jack stared down at him, then smiled crookedly. "Somehow I doubt this had crossed her mind."

It was then that they noticed the heat from the lube getting just a bit too hot. "Oh shit. Move, Jack," Daniel said, raising his knees to his chest.

Jack complied, trying to hurry. Hips snapping quickly, he drove in and out as rapidly as a piston. Friction heat seemed to make the warming lube worse, but he didn't care anymore; the rapid pace was creating a great deal of pleasure on his dick, and given the slack look on Daniel's face and the way his head was arched back again, he didn't much care either.

The bed groaned and the broken frame shifted, dropping them down another inch. Neither of them noticed nor cared, not interested in the least in stopping. On and on they moved, hiking up the pleasure along with the discomfort from the lube until they were close to falling off that age-old cliff.

"Oh fuck yes," Daniel whispered harshly, fingers digging into the loosely attached headboard. "Jack," he warned, then grabbed his dick with his right hand, stroking and squeezing as he came, shooting the warm fluid all over his hand and belly.

Watching his lover shoot was always a turn on and Jack slammed into him thrice before he too was coming. Knuckles white on the headboard, he stiffened and jerked, adding extra twinges of pleasure against Daniel's prostate. Smiling at the twitching he caused in the handsome man below him, Jack lowered himself on top of him and brought their lips together for a sweaty, warm kiss.

Daniel sighed through his nose, breath puffing against Jack's face. He was happily sated for the time being, as was Jack, who continued to kiss him until their lips began to go numb.

"Here comes the sappy afterglow crap," Jack warned. "I love you."

Daniel couldn't help it and smiled broadly. "I love you back."

Then they tried to move apart.

"Ow!" they howled together. Hot pain seared between their legs as if from skin rubbed raw, except they could feel the slickness of the lube.

"Oh fucking hell!" Jack breathed. He grabbed fistfuls of bed sheets as he squeezed his eyes shut and slowly pulled out.

"Fuck!" Daniel hissed repeatedly until Jack was free, then he reached down and touched his asshole. He brought his hand up for inspection and sighed with relief. No blood, but good fucking christ, it felt like there was. Pushing Jack onto his side, he tried to sit up and grimaced. "Come on," he said, and very gingerly rolled out of bed, grabbing the tube of lube as he went.

"I can't move," Jack complained, staring at the ceiling as the skin of his dick howled in pain. It was as if he'd just given himself a sunburn. Or a psychotic hand job.

"Yes you can. Bath. Cool water."

That immediately perked Jack's interest. "On second thought," he grumbled, and carefully inched off the bed as he held his dick in his hand.

Daniel turned on the corner faucet for the wide bathtub Jack had had installed the summer before and to his amusement, Jack got in before the cool water was even a third of the way up. He couldn't blame him. A dick was a hell of a lot more sensitive than an asshole. Except for hemorrhoids, which could make the asshole seem like the center of the universe.

Stepping into the tub to sit opposite, Daniel carefully eased down into the water, draping his legs over Jack's. The cool water was a balm and he let out a sigh of relief that Jack was echoing. Remembering the lube, he reached over the side and plucked it off the floor. Grateful for the contacts in his eyes, he read the front label, then squinted at the small print. Giving Jack a dirty look before rolling his eyes, he handed it to him. "Jack, next time, double-check the small print."

Jack scowled and took the tube, then stared at the bottle. At the bottom of the label, in italic lettering, it said: For vaginal use only.

"Idiot," Daniel smirked, poking fun at the look of embarrassment on his lover's face, and despite the pain, began to laugh at the absurdity.

"Shut up," Jack said, tossing the lube across the bathroom, "and come here." Leaning forward, and pulling Daniel by his wrist, he kissed him firmly. "I liked it anyway."

Daniel smiled against his lips. "But now you don't have a bed."

"Two words," Jack said, leaning back and gently washing the lube off his dick.

Daniel settled back, an expression of curiosity on his face, and the lewd smile spreading across Jack's face made him tingle everywhere.

"Kitchen table."

Daniel laughed and nodded. "Except we're going to be furniture shopping tomorrow instead of having table sex."

"Doesn't take that long to go shopping, Daniel," Jack grinned.

"No," Daniel agreed, "but given the luck we've had today, you'll be getting a new table, too."

Staring back at him, Jack couldn't keep the smile off his face. "Worth it."

~ end ~