By Joy
Drama | Missing/Post-episodic scenes, The Light
12 pages/4,842 words

Summary: Jack does some thinking about Daniel while stuck offworld with his team.
Author Note: For JuliaBK, who hopefully isn't embarrassed by this dedication.

Jack pulled Daniel back from the balcony, his brain focusing first on moving inside, then on what needed doing: getting him dressed, and after that, getting him to Fraiser to find out just what the fuck was going on.

"Don't leave me," Daniel whispered.

Jack craned his neck a bit, trying to see around the side of Daniel's face as he held him from behind. Was Daniel talking to Shau're, to him? "No one's leaving, Daniel. C'mon, let's get you fixed up."

Daniel turned in his grip, coming face to face with him, then shocked Jack when he took his face in his hands. "Don't leave me, Jack." Then he leaned in and brought their lips together. In a kiss. Jack knew it was a kiss but somewhere his mind was refusing to acknowledge that Daniel was actually meaning to kiss him. Two seconds passed and Jack suddenly felt the warm pliancy of Daniel's mouth. The urgency there. And his body responded.

Instant refusal, by years of strict habit, had Jack gently pulling away, saying nothing about the kiss. Pretending it didn't happen even while his core self was screaming that it did. "I won't leave, Daniel. Let's get changed and head to the mountain, okay?"

Silence then and Daniel moved as if on automatic pilot. Change of clothes, getting into the truck. But in the elevator and on the way to the infirmary, Daniel slumped. Jack caught him before he hit the floor--and goddamn, the man was getting heavy--and just before Daniel's eyes closed, he whispered, "Always love..."

Jack frowned, puzzled and confused, and after getting to the base infirmary, those feelings intensified, even after Fraiser told him why this had happened. What settled it all was deciding that delirium could explain what happened. At least, that's what he told himself--until he saw Daniel in a coma and got a wee bit too violent for Fraiser's comfort. He couldn't rationalize that one, and he couldn't rationalize Daniel's words. What he could do was file it away under "didn't happen" even though deep down, he knew it wasn't true.

. . .

Jack was sitting on the top step of the palace entrance, feeling the slight tingling that Carter kept saying he shouldn't be able to feel. He did it on purpose, wanting to feel something out of the ordinary. He sat just within the safety boundaries of the chemical drug that permeated the palace, that same crap that had caused them to be stuck here for the past ten days. Teal'c could go home, but he stayed, 'gating back and forth with their provisions. Jack didn't know whether to be grateful for the loyalty or annoyed.

Sighing, he stared at the view he'd had for nearly two weeks and hoped Carter's and Fraiser's estimation of their remaining time was accurate. Not that this was a bad place, but he hated being imprisoned, regardless of the reason. Five minute walks on the beach were all they were allowed and that sucked. Four more days of this shit. Just four more. Jack felt a presence behind him and wished the person would go away. All he wanted was to watch the sun set over the ocean horizon, something he'd done every single day of his... incarceration. Was it too much to ask to be left alone so he could have this one moment of peace? So he could deal with... everything?

"You're brooding again," Daniel said as he leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms.

"I'm not brooding, I'm thinking. There's a difference."

"Right," Daniel said, giving up the idea that he would sit down and join Jack. "Well, when you're done doing whatever it is you are doing, c'mon in. Dinner's ready." Staring at the back of Jack, he once more felt alone and isolated. He hadn't felt that way with Sam and Teal'c. Silently, he took a deep breath and walked away.

Jack heard the retreating footsteps and looked over his shoulder just enough to make sure no one else stood in the doorway or that Daniel wasn't changing his mind and not leaving. Why did he have to add commentary with the dinner announcement? Loren, Sam, and Teal'c wouldn't have. Well, on second thought, Teal'c would have. And the more Jack thought about it, the more he saw how alike Daniel and Teal'c were. That too was annoying.

. . .

One more day, Jack thought with relief as he sat down on the steps to watch the surf. It wasn't close to sunset but he felt the need to be alone. He wondered again why the others left him alone, why they'd never questioned his need to be here day after day. Carter had given him the expected warning but just the once. She knew when not to push it.

Daniel, on the other hand, didn't. Not that he ever said anything. He always seemed to start, whenever they were washing up dishes together or packing the FRED, he always seemed on the verge of asking questions, but he'd never gone through with it. Sometimes, Jack found it unsettling for Daniel not to voice his opinion. Maybe it was the chemical, but Jack didn't think so. He had a feeling it had a lot to do with the near-suicide. And the fact that Daniel was trying to remember bits of that time and couldn't.

There were times when he acted as if he remembered, then other times, he acted as if he needed Jack to tell him what happened. But whatever was on Daniel's mind, he kept it to himself, and for the last two weeks, Jack had been happy about that. He didn't want to discuss that kiss, and if Daniel didn't remember, he didn't want to admit that it happened at all. Sometimes, it was best to leave things be.

Except that one way or another, Daniel would worry that memory like a dog with a bone. And Jack knew that if he didn't talk to Daniel about it during a time when they were both alone, both of sound mind, that one day, when they least expected, that memory and the dangerous feelings that lay under it would surface at the wrong place and the wrong time.

Sighing heavily, Jack also knew that he too was worrying that bone. He could leave it be with Daniel, but not with himself. The sexual feelings he'd experienced weren't exactly new, but they were new about Daniel. Deep down, Jack had recognized an attraction from the start, but habit and discipline skirted over it, dismissing it as immaterial. Jack had focused instead on the relationship that would serve them both a lot better than some driving need for pleasure, and he'd let himself forget all about it.

Until that goddamn kiss. It wasn't just pleasure that Jack felt when Daniel kissed him, it was something more, and it was that something more which made him sit, day after day, staring at the ocean. They were harder to deal with, those damned inconvenient feelings. No more passing acknowledgement and a quick shrug-off. It wasn't like before, when they'd just met. This time, there'd been recognition and instant action and whether he liked it or not, this was a lot more difficult to dismiss. Jack needed to work it out of his system, to get his mind to return to the point before the kiss and to state unequivocally that it was just a kiss, it meant nothing. Daniel was out of his mind, he didn't know what he was saying or doing. Like standing on the edge of the balcony.

Jack couldn't help but find the two situations similar in a metaphorical way. Kissing Daniel was like committing suicide in a way, just not of his actual life. Growling at himself for even going metaphysical--blaming Daniel for it along the way--he focused one more time on removing his feelings, dismissing them, making them unimportant. It didn't matter whether or not it was a lie, not for him. It was simply a matter of what had to be done. The more difficult thing was Daniel and wondering if he remembered, if the feelings he expressed were real or subconscious? Jack knew better than anyone the difference between the conscious and the subconscious mind.

"You are early," Teal'c said, making Jack flinch.

"Stop sneaking up on me."

"It is a trait you find useful, is it not?" Teal'c asked, smirking because Jack couldn't see his expression. He stretched out his hand, reaching over Jack's shoulder, and handed him a cup of coffee. Surprised, Jack eyed him. "I'd rather have a beer, Teal'c. This will keep me up."

"We do not have beer and Major Carter said this coffee was decaf."

"Ah, well that makes all the difference," Jack answered sarcastically but gestured a 'thank you' nonetheless as he lifted the mug at Teal'c, then brought it to his lips. After a sip, he said aloud, "Thanks. And next time, use your tactical skills on someone else, please? As to your astute observation, yeah, I'm early. Last night on this rock, if Carter and Fraiser are right." He finally looked over his shoulder, wondering why Teal'c wasn't leaving. To his great annoyance, Teal'c moved to the top step and clasped his hands behind him. This meant that Teal'c wanted to talk. Or preach. Or both. Oh goodie. "What's on your mind, T?"

"Daniel Jackson."

Instant self-protection went up, and with it, concern and worry. "Is he relapsing or--"

"He is recovering well. I am concerned about his emotional state. And yours."

Jack scowled at that and for a brief second, he considered that Teal'c had guessed the part of him he'd been trying to bury and decided that it wasn't possible. "For what reason?" he asked.

"You appear to be angry with Daniel Jackson and I would like to help put an end to the conflict."

"I'm not angry with him, Teal'c."

"Since returning to this planet, thus saving Daniel Jackson's life, you have gone out of your way to ignore him."

"No, I... It's not what you think, Teal'c." Jack so didn't want to have this conversation. "Trust me, please."

"Trust is not the issue. You have always said that Daniel Jackson is your friend. Now you act as if he is not. What has changed?"

So many words wanted to fly out of his mouth and Jack restrained himself, refusing to explain things that Teal'c had no business knowing. But as Jack looked up into Teal'c's relentless, stubborn expression, he had to make a decision. Looking away, he scanned the ocean for the answer and wondered if the ache in his chest was partly because he actually needed someone to talk to. If so, he felt like the biggest goddamn fool, although he already guessed that, if his feelings for Daniel were of any indication. "Is it better, Teal'c," he finally said, his voice low, "to live in ignorance? Or to find out the truth of things and deal with their consequences?"

Sensing a change, an opening of the armor, Teal'c hesitated, then sat down. "I have experienced this, O'Neill, as First Prime of Apophis." When he saw out of the corner of his eye that he'd made Jack wince, he felt bad. "I apologize. I believe that is not exactly what you meant?"

"No, Teal'c, not by a mile."

"You asked if knowledge or ignorance is better. It is difficult to answer, O'Neill, without knowing to what you are referring for the answer cannot be one all-encompassing rule. If you speak of defending your home, it is better to know the truth. If you speak of defending your heart, the answer... is more complicated."

"Tell me about it." When Teal'c said nothing else, Jack had a feeling that he was waiting for further explanation and he automatically started thinking about what to edit, the best way to keep it simple. "It's not something I ever wanted to talk about. In fact, I've been trying to forget it." Teal'c frowned in thought and Jack knew that he'd have to be a bit more clear. "It has to do with finding Daniel at his apartment, Teal'c, and the state that he was in."

"You indicated he was trying to commit suicide as Lieutenant Barber had done."

"He was getting ready to, yeah."

"Is this the reason?"

"Not the fact that he was behaving irrationally, Teal'c. It was... just something I need to forget."

"Does your forgetting include damaging your relationship with Daniel Jackson?"

"It wasn't meant to but maybe it's inevitable."

"I do not agree. I see no reason to punish Daniel Jackson for a situation that was not of his own making."

"It's not that, Teal'c."

"Then clarify, please."

The ol' angel and devil on his shoulders were whispering, Tell him/don't say a word. Maybe a compromise would work. He looked behind him, making sure no one was lurking nearby. "He expressed feelings toward me Teal'c that I don't think are appropriate under the circumstances."

Teal'c stared at him, then said, "Because he was delusional, you believe that he revealed himself when he would not have under a rational mind?"

"Exactly," Jack said, gesturing with his hand. There you are.

"But you are punishing him for those feelings, O'Neill, if those feelings are in fact real. You are alienating him, and in doing so, creating a rift within the team. You cannot treat him as if he has done something wrong."

Jack's frown returned, and deeper than before. "I know that. But I don't know what else to do. Maybe if I convince myself it never happened, then I'll be able to behave as I always have."

"This is not a wise strategy. And it has been two weeks. If you were willing to forget, your strong mind would have succeeded by now." Teal'c rose, paused, then placed a hand on Jack's shoulder. "You are as stubborn as he is, O'Neill. He is also trying to forget, and for the same reasons."

"What? Wait a damn..." Jack asked, turning around. "You've spoken to him?"

"I have. Daniel Jackson has not commented on your behavior because he believes he has injured himself in your eyes."

"He said that?"

"No. That is my personal observation. He blames himself, as you appear to be doing."

"He didn't do anything wrong, Teal'c," Jack said as he stood up and wiped his palms against his trousers. "It's just hard to talk about it, given the... well..."

"Daniel Jackson has already explained to me the fear known as homophobia. It is known as kal'shon'ree among my people."

Jack froze. "I didn't think that Jaffa had..."

"The word you are looking for is homosexual." When Jack winced Teal'c narrowed his eyes and lifted his chin, the pose superior, not regal. "Perhaps one day, when you have stopped punishing Daniel Jackson, you will stop punishing yourself as well." With that, he walked back into the building.

Jack started to call after him but didn't see the point. Sitting back down, he thought of only one thing: Daniel knows. And he discussed it with Teal'c. Which meant that before they went back home, they'd have to talk. Shit.

. .

Jack paced up and down the back corridor of the palace, frequently looking at the light that shone through the only doorway at the far end, where half-moon-shaped steps led to a garden. That was Daniel's "view," the place he went to day after day, usually to write or think. Jack wasn't particularly certain since he'd never actually gone there. Daniel would just return with his journal in hand. Was he writing mission reports or personal stuff? Jack had no desire to know the details. He just wondered.

Finally telling himself that he had to get it over with, Jack made his way down to that doorway, slowly leaning forward to peek through it first before his body followed. Daniel sat on the second of four wide-lipped steps, the sort you see in a swimming pool, knees drawn up, arms clasped over. His journal sat at his side, glasses on top, and he turned his head slightly as if he'd been waiting. Jack made a face. Of course he'd been waiting. Daniel was one of the sharpest knives in the drawer after all.

"Hey," Jack greeted, taking a step past the door frame, waiting to be told to leave. Or hoping.

"Hey," Daniel replied, his voice sounding normal, if a little tired.

Jack wasn't told he could sit down, but he did it anyway, and proceeded to look at Daniel's view: a dry fountain with overgrown foliage. It was pretty in a ghostly, gothic sort of way. For a few minutes, he said nothing, completely at a loss on how to start the conversation without sounding like a complete asshole. "So, about that kiss. Let's forget it, okay?"

Never mind that he had no desire to say it--a fact he was just now realizing--he couldn't tell Daniel not to forget something like that. Not that a kiss wasn't forgettable, just not this one, with this person, at this time. It just wasn't...

"You have everything recorded?" he asked instead.

Daniel nodded, not saying a word. Which only made Jack feel worse, and as the silence stretched along with the minutes, he soon felt like that Poe character and the heart beneath the floorboards.

"Daniel, we have to talk about what happened in--"

"I'm not apologizing," Daniel interrupted, speaking quickly. "I don't think it's something I need to apologize for because I was ill. If you prefer to believe that it didn't happen, fine, I'll go along with that, I just hope you don't want me to transfer out or quit or something because that's just not an option and I think we can work together and behave like professionals and--"

"Whoa, whoa," Jack said, holding up a hand, nearly touching Daniel's arm. He waited three beats, long enough to know Daniel was holding his breath. "Deep breath," he said, and realized as they both inhaled together that he too had been holding his breath. Or breathing shallow. "Okay, now. I'm not here to point a finger at you, accuse you, or... well, hell, nothing bad, exactly. I just... don't know exactly how to feel about what happened."

"It's not that difficult to understand, Jack. I kissed you and you're freaking."

Jack frowned, wishing Daniel's expression would change so he could tell how he was feeling. Or that he'd at least look at him, but Daniel seemed determined not to. Was it shame? Embarrassment? Neither sounded like Daniel, but then, since when did he go kissing men he worked with? That thought brought up an image of Steven Raynor and Jack felt a slice of jealousy run through him that had no business being there. Stoutly crushing the feeling, he cleared his throat and regrouped.

"I'm not freaking. I'm surprised." And there it was. So simple. He turned and took Daniel's forearm, tugging to make him face him. Daniel resisted and Jack tugged harder. When Daniel finally met his eyes, he did so briefly before looking up, down, to the sides, anywhere but back at Jack. "I have to know something."

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. "Was it real?" he asked, turning a bit more to face Jack, but in doing so, he pushed himself further away.

"It felt real," Jack said sarcastically, then cringed, knowing he shouldn't be flip.

Daniel finally looked up at him and while the circles were gone from beneath his eyes, the eyes themselves seemed muted and shadowed. Sad. He looked more than fatigued; he looked resigned. That wasn't good for someone like Daniel.

"You know what I mean, Jack. And the answer is yes, it was real. Now what?"

Jack swallowed. "Now what what? Do we move on or..." He paused, not willing to put his foot in his mouth again. "What do you want to do?" he asked, then wished he hadn't. There were scary possibilities there. And a few seconds later, Daniel's expression turned to confusion. His brows creased in the same way they did when he was confronted with a language he didn't understand. For some reason Jack had no wish to examine, he found the expression... cute. In thinking it, he grimaced slightly and told his brain to stop right there.

"What?" Daniel asked.

Jack cleared his throat a few times, then forced himself to explain in a way that wouldn't make his stomach dance. "You got that look on your face."

"What look?"

"The one you get around new puzzles."

Daniel's brows went up. "I do?"

"Yeah. Am I a puzzle?"

Daniel snorted softly. "All the time."

Jack rolled his eyes, not wanting to examine that comment either. "What's with the look?"

"Oh. Right. Um, just wondering why you were asking me what I want to do. Haven't you already decided?"

And the heart of the matter was closing in, the bit Jack didn't want to admit to yet, but it seemed that he had no more control over that than Daniel's expression. "No. If memory serves, it takes two to... you know... and I figured it would take us both to figure this thing out."

"You've thought about it though, right? Tell me you have because I can't see any other reason why you've been ignoring me."

Cringing again, Jack cocked his head to one side and sort of nodded. "Well, okay, every damn day." Then quickly added, "But not like that was the only thing on my mind or anything."

"Right," Daniel answered automatically, not believing him for a moment. Who'd believe that?

"Um, anyway," Jack said, swallowing hard. "It took two and... it's um, not all on you here, Daniel. I mean, not then, the um, kiss, I mean."

Daniel's mouth curved upward just the tiniest bit. "Yes, I remember."

Jack's cheeks suddenly burned and for no reason he could think of. Okay, so what? Yeah, he didn't stop the kiss exactly, and maybe he might have kissed him back a little. A little.

"Have you been asking yourself if this would have happened under any other circumstances?" Daniel asked.

The heat in Jack's cheeks lowered, reddening his neck and following around to his spine. What the hell was the matter with him? He could kill people with no problem--mostly no problem--but this was reverting him to High School hormonal nonsense. Jesus Christ, O'Neill, get a grip.

Clearing his throat, Jack sat up a little straighter, determined to face this, look it in the eye, and then resolutely run like fuck afterward. "I wondered. But it wouldn't happen because of who we are and where we work. And that's pretty much that." Daniel lifted his chin, almost in exact imitation of Teal'c, and Jack frowned at him. "You know you look like Teal'c when you do that?"

Brows up again. "Do I really?" was on his face but Daniel said instead, "Even though I wasn't coherent or rational, I still felt something, and if I've made you uncomfortable, I do apologize for that. I want you to know that I won't ever let this happen again, under rational circumstances."

Irrationally, Jack wondered why, and asked himself, what if he wanted him to kiss him again? A second after that thought, Jack asked himself what the hell he thought he was doing? This was Daniel he was thinking about, the person he argued with on a daily basis, who was a man and therefore dangerous on many fucked up legal levels, and besides, they'd kill each other within a week and...

Jack turned and rested his elbows on his knees and threaded his fingers through his hair. "It isn't... I wouldn't..." He shook his head, unable to say it. "I'm sorry, too," was all he was able to finish with.

He heard Daniel move and assumed that Daniel was getting up to leave, to say the usual "Let's just move on, forget it happened," thing, and it would be doable. They could move on. But right at that moment, Jack didn't want that. Goddamn fuck shit.

While cursing at himself, he didn't notice that Daniel had moved around to squat in front of him and was startled when Daniel took his hands from his hair and pulled them down in front. Jack opened his eyes and looked up, finding Daniel close, with that blue scrutiny that was hard to get away from.

"If we can forget about it, fine," Daniel said in a soft voice that sent tingles down Jack's spine, "but I think I'd rather forget about it for a good reason than a bad one," and then he leaned in and kissed him. Firmly.

Jack inhaled sharply but didn't move. He felt his lips part, as if with a mind of their own, and strangely, he seemed to concentrate on the strength in which Daniel held his hands; pulling slightly, leverage for deepening the kiss. Then Daniel's mouth was opening and Jack told himself to stop now. Stop now. Stop before you feel that tongue. There's no going back if you feel that...

... gloriously wet warm muscle, inviting itself into his mouth to connect with his own. Jack tilted his head for a better fit and felt Daniel smile around his lips. He told himself to pull back, to say something flip and sarcastic, but if this was a one time deal, and it very probably should be, then he'd get his goddamn money's worth.

A minute passed and Jack parted long enough to switch angles, to squeeze Daniel's hands as some sort of emotional release. He wanted to touch him, but maybe Daniel held his hands for that very reason: to keep touching to a minimum. Just in case. Jack squeezed some more. Then finally, reluctantly, Daniel began to pull back and Jack let him, not following. He swallowed, eagerly tasting Daniel in his mouth and wished his dick wasn't so damn hard. Daniel kissed good.

"I'd say a lot of things here, but I probably shouldn't," Daniel said, lips rosy and lightly bruised.

"Probably. And ditto."

"So maybe the best thing is to think about this for a while. We know what we can have, if we want it. But maybe we really..."

"Shouldn't."

"Well, I was gonna say 'don't want to' but..."

"You don't want to?" Jack asked, oddly indignant.

"I do. Do you?" Daniel asked, his secret smile appearing.

"Don't grin at me like that. Yes, I do." They looked at each other for the longest time and Jack knew only one thing for certain. If they were back home, there would be touching going on. "We'll see what happens then."

"Right," Daniel said, rising. "As long as you don't start getting weird and ignoring me again."

Jack knew he was teasing but couldn't resist the bait. Getting to his feet, he picked up Daniel's journal and his glasses and handed them to him. "You were doing the same, wise ass."

"No, I was leaving you to your brooding."

"That was not brooding, Daniel, that was thinking."

"Ah huh. Do you always scowl and talk to yourself?"

"You were watching?"

"No, Teal'c told me." He paused, then boldly asked, "You seemed very much against this before. What changed?"

"You," Jack said, hating the blush on his cheeks.

They were standing in the doorway now and Jack started to think up something else to say that didn't sound so stupidly cliched but there was a look in Daniel's eyes that stopped him. At first it was something like interest, but then it went a lot more serious.

"I... think this is something potentially dangerous," Daniel began. "Not for any legal reason or for our jobs." He paused, swallowing. "I care. A lot. And I could care a lot more. I remember what I said, Jack. And even when I was delirious, I remember being afraid. What we do is dangerous, and maybe we should take the risk because what the hell, we might die tomorrow, but personally, to each other, if something happens and one of us is left... that's what I mean about dangerous. It's the only thing that would hold me back, that would keep me from having anything with you. It's that. I don't like losing people. And I wouldn't take it very well if you were to... you know." He cleared his throat, then sighed and walked away, moving down the hall.

Jack watched him go, understanding completely, and as he watched Daniel get further away from him, he understood even more. It was almost like an epiphany, if people really had them. When Daniel turned and disappeared from sight, he whispered, "Yeah. I love you, too."

~

end