A Delicate Issue, by Indy

This is a story where you might wonder if the author was, as my British friends put it, taking the piss. It *seems* as if it's a parody but the author was quite serious.

At first I was hard-pressed to pick what bothered me most about this fic, but in the end, it's the representations of the characters, the medical profession, and the US Air Force--it really is Air *Farce* in this story. No one in this fic resembles their source and there is no rational explanation given for why they act the way they do.

Indy's attempts at creative writing are sadly executed. Not only can't she use the proper words for urinate, penis, and ejaculate, but she replaces them with notoriously bad euphemisms--and some new ones I've never heard of and suspect they were found in a bad romance novel somewhere. She also uses the dreaded ALL CAPS for emotional emphasis, and some unbelievably weird creative writing that makes me wonder if the woman was tripping on acid--which wouldn't have been a bad assumption, actually, given the result.

Plot Summary:  A bizarre beginning...

The screaming could be heard on Saturn with a good solar tail wind blowing. It echoed through the forests of P6X-1959 at near ear splitting levels. Jack O'Neill, USAF colonel and leader of SG-1, came running as fast as his aging legs could carry him.

He found his best friend and lover, Dr. Daniel Jackson still near the tree he just blessed, dancing around in pain and holding his crotch.

"OH, F**K, THIS SO F**KING HURTS!" the linguist was screaming in English.

By the time Jack and the other arrived, Daniel had attracted quite an audience of curious onlookers. Think that the archaeologist had just invented some sort of new fertility dance, they, too, were holding their family nuggets and screaming like a bag of banshees being beating with a hobnail boot. Every time Daniel screamed something new he was copied verbatim.

Jack, Sam and Teal'c exchanged glances as they watched this bizarre sight, their eyebrows well on their way to the next galaxy. The Colonel pushed through the crowd to find that his Spacemonkey had gotten his foreskin and the head of The Little Archaeologist caught in his zipper! Jack winced in sympathy as he hid a smirk while watching the natives still "dancing" around the pair. Jack had to think of a cover story to tell Hammond--FAST!

::sighs::  It took me quite a while to stop laughing over "screaming like a bag of banshees being beaten with a hobnail boot." There are so *many* things to say about that phrase, but I'll just correct the zipper usage. This is used *lot* of fanfic where ignorant writers assume that military trousers have zippers. They don't. They have buttons.

Moving on. After Daniel discovers that he's cut his dick open by what I can only assume are razor-sharp zipper teeth, he also starts scratching his ass.

As he jumped around in his fertility circle, he was also scratching his ass--this caused by his pissing on the tree. Needless to say, this new move was duly copied by the natives.

It also went without saying that his made Dr. Daniel Garrett Jackson one extremely unhappy camper! Daniel was still screeching like a banshee with an ingrown toenail when Jack radioed the SGC. When the anthropologist caught the older man's smirk, his temper headed for Jovian orbit.

"OH, YEAH, YUK IT UP, FLYBOY, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE FLYING SO SOLO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Daniel gasped.

Thought she was done with the "banshee" reference, didn't ya?

So, Jack "radioed" the SGC. He didn't dial the gate, mind you. That's one helluva radio. After a discussion about Daniel's yelling and fuck-up, Jack then orders Carter to dial the gate ::blinks:: then tells Teal'c that Daniel got his *balls* caught in his zipper. Indy apparently can't make up her mind or she doesn't know the difference between a dick and balls... and I'm heading toward the latter belief here.

There's an attempt to show actual Daniel Fortitude at this point...

Daniel gave his significant other a very dirty look, glaring pointed at Jack as he warned the others that wisecracks about his present problem would so not be tolerated!

...but it only ends up making Daniel look like a teenager with a pout on. They "burst" through the gate and Indy describes Daniel having a "red face and tear filled big blue eyes."

Janet was there, waiting for them as usual.

"Oh, boy," was all she could say about Daniel's plight at the moment, noting this was one for the files. "Colonel, get him down to the infirmary immediately!" she barked at the older man.

Aside from Indy's creative atrophy, we also have a physiological impossibility:

He felt helpless in the fact he couldn't do anything for his aching lover, or his lover's five alarm boner, which was no showing itself nicely just as the airman was coming up the hallway with the wheelchair. They got Daniel into the wheelchair, after which Jack dismissed the airman.

Which tells me that Indy has no idea how men's dicks get hard. Getting to the infirmary, Janet notices Daniel's hives--which he is supposedly sitting on. Then we have:

"Nurse Coleman, please get me the large economy size container of calamine lotion and a #2 paintbrush. This is the worst case of hive I've seen on anybody," Janet said.

and

"Doc, how could Danny have hives? He wasn't within six feet of a flower," Jack told her.

So not only does Indy have little information about men, but botanical knowledge as well. Moving on, Daniel...

Daniel gave Jack a smack in the hip to get his attention. Jack looked down at him.

"Jack I was watering a tree when this happened," Daniel said, pointing to this throbbing crotch.

Jack scrubbed a hand over his face. He'd always wondered if his Spacemonkey was born under an evil star or a bad sign or something. No man could be this unlucky and live to tell about it. He gently rubbed Daniel's shoulder as the linguist chewed his plump lower lip to shreds. Of course, he wanted to stay with Daniel and see what Doc Napoleon was going to do with the love of his life, but Janet, as always, shooed him out before the Colonel got to see anything. Janet could be such a party pooper at times!

Indy proceeds to refer to Jack as "an aging jet jockey" and "Daniel Garrett Jackson," breaking the unwritten fandom rule about separating the actor from their character. Jack is then shooed out of the infirmary and sulks in the hall, all the while admiring his Spacemonkey's ability to swear in "any one of his twenty-nine languages." When Carter joins them, Indy reinforces the idea that she knows nothing about male anatomy, never mind writing dialogue:

"His nuts are so swollen;  I don't think they'll be able to remove his pants without doing it surgically, not to mention the fact that he's got one huge honkin' boner. I know, TMI. So sue me."

Sam rubbed her CO's arm when she saw the helpless look in those chocolate brown eyes.

"He'll be fine, sir," she whispered softly. "Look at the hell he's already been through. This should be any different."

She blushed slight as she tried to carefully pick out the words for her next question.

"C'mon, Carter, just spit it out, will ya?" Jack growled impatiently.

"Ummm...well, sir, you can tell me to mind my own business, but Daniel still has his foreskin, doesn't he? He might be without it after he comes through all this," Sam asked, still blushing.

"Yeah, he still has his foreskin. Aw, hell, Carter...never mind," Jack said, softening his tone. "I know you care."

Hammond and Janet join them and proceed to talk about Daniel in "hushed tones," and Jack inexplicably gives Janet "a dirty look for not letting him stay with his beloved jinx" as Janet says that a transfusion is "being considered" but that Daniel might be able to go home by the end of the week. At this point, I don't even know what day it is anymore so I have no clue how far away the "end of the week" is.

Never mind. Walter Davis shows up...

as he slipped quietly up to Hammond's side. It was rare the sergeant did this, so it must've been really important. Into the General's ear, he whispered that he'd just gotten a call from the infirmary saying that Dr. Jackson was raising holy hell and could Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Frasier get back down there immediately if not sooner?

This is another example of logic not only missing, but it's been abandoned completely. If they're in the hall, and Jack can hear Daniel cussing--and presumably everyone else--then why did the infirmary call the *Control Room*? ::shakes head::

Hammond proceeds to denigrate Daniel by saying that he's "taken being uncooperative to a whole new level" and dismisses the hallway debriefing. Jack takes "off at a dead run" with Janet "clicking quickly along behind him" and Indy switches pov from narrator to Hammond in one paragraph as Hammond actually laughs about what's happened to Daniel.

In the infirmary, Carter smacks Jack for calling Daniel "Dr Numb Nuts" and Teal'c doesn't understand--so we're treated to the author's disparaging view of him. Afterward, Daniel begins to scream entire sentences in capital letters that he's being mistreated--the nurses are groping him, apparently and one nurse argues back, in capital letters. Janet whistles for everyone to shut up, scolds her nurses for disgracing the medical profession and treating

"poor Dr. Jackson with a great deal of disrespect."

Jack and Sam have a telepathic "oh brother" moment as Janet continues with,

"As you have already noticed, Dr. Jackson has many fine attributes, but that doesn't mean he's to be guest of honour at a Roman orgy," Janet continued. "To prevent incidents like this from happening again, please keep in mind that the only people to touch Dr. Jackson are Colonel O'Neill and SG-1, the General and I, but only in a professional capacity. All of you who have participated in this disgusting display will be reassessed or reassigned I'll be taking over Dr. Jackson's case personally."

Jack silently laments that his Spacemonkey lives under a curse, even if it's one that most men would love to have. He then decides to...

gave every last nurse he could cat catch the eye and who had participated in this orgy the dirtiest glare he could muster. They had just used his Danny Boy as a sex toy, and he so wasn't a happy camper! He even went so far as to suspect this was the reason why Janet wouldn't let him sit with Daniel in the first place. He made a mental note to discuss this with the tiny CMO later.

It gets worse, trust me. Another nurse, with red hair I should add, leers at Daniel, prompting Jack and Janet to come to the poor baby's aid. Then Janet thinks the following:

'This is the punishment I get for hiring nurses from a cut rate nursing school,'

With nurses silently pouting about not being able to touch Daniel anymore, one single "normal" nurse named Maggie, Janet's "senior" nurse, apologizes to Janet. Janet tells her it's okay and thinks,

For once, she and Jack would agree on something. Once more, the infamous "Jackson factor" had struck, wreaking its usual havoc.

Janet then sends Maggie to Daniel's office (why, we don't know) so she can research the internet and find out what the nursing school was before it was a nursing school. Why would she need to think that never mind order it done? I don't know. The author then states that Janet wouldn't hear from Maggie again for two hours, but we certainly do as we're given a scene change with Maggie aghast at the information she's discovered. Seems that the medical branch of the US Air Force hired sex workers, not nurses, and that the "school" used to be a "brothel" called "Bridget O'Leary's Good Time Bar and Whoopee Palace." We're then given an extremely stupid background on the whorehouse.

Needing to tell Janet, Maggie starts thinking about how to avoid Jack and his "bawdy" nature so she dials the "in house" number for the infirmary. When Janet's told everything, she says,

"WHAT?" Janet squawked, causing Jack and Daniel to prick up their ears. "Poor Daniel!"

To "prick up their ears" makes me think the men are horses or dogs, but Janet's reaction is even more amazingly stupid.

Maggie and Janet continue their conversation,

"I didn't print it out in case Colonel O'Neill got a hold of it, and you know how he is," Maggie said fretfully.

"I know that only too well, Maggie. Mission accomplished. Come back, Maggie, and we'll tell Dr. Jackson this great news when the Colonel isn't around," Janet said.

What's the great news exactly? I don't know. Anyway, the story just degenerates further with a dismissal of the red-haired nurse, Craddock, and we're then treated to a mini life-story paragraph of what happens to the nurse after she leaves the room.

Returning to "the poor, hapless linguist" it was now time to "free The Little Archaeologist from his little tad of trouble." Janet orders them to hold Daniel down "so he doesn't go for a loop" and Janet gets out a needle. For what, I don't know. To let out all the air in Daniel's dick? Who the hell knows. Questions are asked about Craddock and upon learning that the nursing school was a whorehouse, Jack reacts like a teenager with ADHD, forgetting about his hapless linguist.

Indy then performs the next piece of prejudice (the first one being the Italian mini-skirt) and has Janet observing,

If it even remotely had anything to do with sex, Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill was in there like a dirty shirt.  If there was anything more the Irish loved than their booze, it was sex--truckloads of it.

If nothing else could offend you about this fic, that should.

Moving on, Janet gets Daniel's dick free and because he's still bleeding, orders Maggie,

"...get a tourniquet and the med kit. We don't want him bleeding to death."

A tourniquet. Right.

Maggie also returned with rubbing alcohol and a kidney dish. She thought that the sutures could be sanitized in that.

Sutures do *not* get sterilized in alcohol and neither do the instruments. Sutures come in kits, with pre-sterilized equipment. If there is no kit, the sutures come in sterilized packages like bandages while the separated instruments have been sterilized in an autoclave.

While Jack flirts with the nurse, Daniel's suddenly reminded of...

his very painful five alarm boner.  His throbbing organ now laid thick and heavy against his belly.

"Oh, crap!" he muttered, chewing his plump rosy lower lip once more." Oh, God! Janet, please, do you thing I can something to--?"

The archaeologist blushed deep red and crossed his legs. His mouth fell open allowing him another loud groan.

"Daniel, are you trying to tell us you need to wank?" Janet asked casually.

Tears leapt to the big blue orbs.

"I'll take that as a yes," Janet said. "Maggie, another kidney dish, if you please."

First, a painful erection makes crossing legs difficult. Lastly, the final order to Maggie has me damn near forgetting what came before. I'm wondering what the fuck the kidney dish is for. Whatever happened to using a towel? Is this a contest? Who know.

So... Daniel "goes for the gold" and "soon, his cream pitcher was empty" and he's feeling much better thank you. Jack dresses Daniel in clean boxers and "two men nuzzled each other's necks, revelling in each other's love."

Daniel lies down in the infirmary bed and I'm asking, what happened to the bleeding cut? Nothing. It no longer exists. Daniel's come took care of that. Jack tucks widdle Daniel into bed and

giving his Spacemonkey one last kiss good night, the aging birdman flopped tiredly on the next bed.

"Night, Daniel," Jack yawned.

"Night, J'ck," Daniel gaped.

Aging birdman. ::shakes head::

The next day, Jack and Janet dressed Daniel's wound, so apparently the cut was taken care of after all, but all Daniel knows is that he can't walk right. Jack takes him home and after dinner, they snuggle under sheets--on the couch--and Jack begins "crooning" a song into Daniel's ear. What's the song? House of the Rising Sun, by Eric Burden and The Animals. And Daniel wants nothing to do with Jack singing as he goes from sleepy to screaming.

"JAAACK, WOULD YOU F**K THE HELL OFF!" Daniel roared.

The End. Awwwwwww, isn't that sweet?