Small Worlds, Large Gestures
Jack/Ianto | Drama | Teen | 2,400 words/7 pages | 20kb
Summary: Just before Jack loses an old girlfriend to the mythic "fairies", he tries to smooth things over with Ianto. Unfortunately, it doesn't end as he'd planned.
Emerging from his bed and into the office, Jack stumbled slightly, shaken by the nightmare, and found the rose petal on his desk. Dread filled him and all he wanted right then was to get as far from Cardiff as was possible. Given the threat, he knew that running would be pointless but that didn't squash the desire. After a few long seconds, the fear of the nightmare began to fade, but the adrenalin it left behind to charge throughout his body made him feel buzzed. If it weren't for the damned nightmare, he thought, he'd feel good.
Motion startled him and he turned to find Ianto suddenly appearing outside his office, facing the Surveillance Console, reading the contents of a file. The man hadn't recognized his presence yet so for just a moment, Jack considered saying nothing. But he also wanted to try and erase the images and feelings that were making his heart hammer away. One good way to ensure that would be to walk over kiss him till the horror faded.
Unfortunately, that plan was neither wise nor risk-free. On the one hand, Ianto could, despite past hints at acceptable flirtations, haul off and hit him. On the other hand, Ianto was still grieving and it wouldn't be fair or prudent to corner him. Jack wasn't altogether sure he wouldn't be cashing in on a little payback, as well: Ianto's betrayal was still fresh. But, the pain of loss combined with Jack's own harsh actions was heartbreakingly raw. Why risk making it worse by behaving selfishly? Perhaps the best course of action was to speak plainly. Not the least of which would be about why Ianto was at the office in the middle of the night. Jack knew well that 'busy work' led nowhere.
"You shouldn't be here." A few dirty seconds of guilt passed through him as his voice startled Ianto.
Ianto stared him, almost at a loss for something to say, but he recovered well. "Neither should you," he said softly.
Jack made the briefest of moves toward him, but Ianto turned away and stepped toward the console, in effect turning his back on him. Jack couldn't take offense; he understood the sudden embarrassment, the twinge of emotional pain. Ianto's movement was merely an act steeped in professionalism, one that Jack understood quite well because he used its defense mechanism often.
Moving over, he stood just behind Ianto's right shoulder and placed his hand there. Another startled reaction, but Ianto quickly relaxed. He was on edge, Jack thought, and cursed himself for not being more understanding and more forgiving. Days before, Ianto had asked him if there had ever been anyone he'd loved so much that he would have been willing to do anything for them. Jack had wanted to smart off, to say "Yes, Ianto, but those I loved that much are dead now." Thankfully, he hadn't said that. The situation had been, and probably still was, emotionally fragile. The real answer was more complicated.
In Ianto, Jack saw possibility. He'd lived long enough to recognize the signs within himself. Those feelings that would get him into trouble. Would Ianto be someone he'd do anything for? Yes. However, that also applied to his entire team. Ianto was, frustratingly, becoming something more. If Jack allowed it, that is. It's a bittersweet dilemma, because Jack knew where these feelings would lead and that sooner or later, the person he loved would age and die. If they were lucky. Still.
"What d'you got?" he asked, looking both sidelong at Ianto and only partly paying attention to whatever Ianto was working on. When Ianto sighed and awarded him a curious but professional look, Jack knew that the rift between them was still there, but the half-smile meant it no longer matched the size of the one underneath the base.
"Funny sort of weather patterns."
Jack stared at the screen and he knew exactly what the green radar spots meant, especially given his nightmare and the rose petal. The urge for flight intensified because he knew what their next mission was going to be and he didn't like it. In fact, it scared him. The last time these things had showed up, deaths had occurred. If he and his team went after the damned creatures, they would be in danger. Any damn thing could happen, and perhaps he couldn't die, but his team could and he had to avoid that, regardless of the cost.
Keeping his eyes on the screen, he felt Ianto's gaze move to his face, the questions there as he tried to read him. Jack swallowed, and for the moment, he was at a loss for words.
"You seem unsettled," Ianto said.
There was a note of caring in his voice and Jack hoped it was more than mere observation. "It's nothing."
"Pardon me for contradicting you but it seems a bit more than that."
Jack shook his head, eyes still on the weather pattern onscreen. "It's not a big deal. Just trying to shake off a nightmare." It was more than that, and he'd eventually have to say something, but he could be wrong and grasped onto the hope that he was. Perhaps, he thought, changing the subject would help clear his head.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"For what?" Ianto asked.
A few seconds stretched by before Jack spared Ianto a look. He was frowning, looking puzzled. Without smiling, Jack answered.
"For the way I acted." He tried not to look at Ianto as he spoke the words, but it became increasingly hard to do. "I get a little carried away when my friends are in danger." He paused and finally forced himself to meet Ianto's eyes. "I always seem to react too ..."
He searched for the right word but came up empty. Ianto seemed to take that as a cue to come up with the word for him.
"I think the word you're searching for is 'severely'."
He offered the tiniest of smiles and Jack acknowledged it with just a quirk of his lips. "I guess I do. I'll try to do better, but as leader ..." He shook his head and sighed, eyes back on the screen. "I can't afford to drop the ball, Ianto. I don't want to alienate everyone, but there are things that I know that I can't begin to explain. Maybe I'm not the best boss and maybe I'm not the best person for this job but I will do whatever it takes to keep all of you ..."
Jack paused at the deepening frown on Ianto's face and looked back at the screen.
"I think the other word you're looking for is 'safe'," Ianto suggested, and when Jack looked over, there was the offer of a smile.
He didn't feel like returning it so the effort he made was done wanly, but he suddenly felt the need to apologize. In his way, that apology took the form of a joke. "Careful. If you keep finishing my sentences for me, people will think we're a couple."
"Perhaps you should stop hesitating," Ianto said dryly.
Jack sighed, almost sorry that Ianto had let the joke pass by without comment. "I have always had your safety, everyone's safety, at the heart of every decision I make. So when I order you to do something, please know there's always a good reason for it."
"Perhaps you could explain what's behind those decisions."
Jack swallowed. "I shouldn't have to explain."
"Sorry," Ianto said, shaking his head. "You're gonna have to do better than that."
Jack threw him an impatient look. "Okay, look. There are things that I'm not prepared to explain, and I'm sorry, I'm an asshole, but I need you, all of you, to trust me on the issue of 'need to know'."
Ianto didn't respond but it was clear that he wasn't happy with that answer either. Jack stared back at the handsome, stubborn face, studying him. He shook his head and sighed, knowing he'd never elaborate, not until the time was right. He didn't want to mar the illusion that all was well. Jack knew the future, Ianto and the others didn't, and he would not reveal anything that would end up putting shadows in their eyes.
"Trust me?" he asked, bracing for the answer he was sure would come.
To his surprise, Ianto stared soberly at him and immediately said, "Always. I may not agree with you sometimes but I know you have the best intentions."
Jack laughed. "You know what they say about the road to hell?"
"I do, actually," Ianto said, a slightly sad smile on his face.
With a sympathic smile, Jack nodded agreement. "There's always that thing about the best laid plans."
"Best laid plans and good intentions do seem to end up in the same place."
"They do at that."
Uncomfortable now, Jack was glad for the silence that stretched between them as he focused on the screen in front of him. Ianto, however, seemed to have one more thing on his mind.
"Mind if I ask you a question?" Ianto asked.
There was another curious look on his face, but it was coupled with apprehension. Jack didn't like the look. "Ask," he said, hoping that would reassure him. "Hopefully, I can answer."
"Hopefully," Ianto said, the corner of mouth curving upward. "A few days ago, in the middle of the ... I was ... Lisa ... she ... kind of throttled me."
Jack was wondering when Ianto would get around to asking about this and felt an ache in the pit of his stomach. "Are you talking about the part where she tossed you into the run-off like a ragdoll?"
Ianto made a face. "That's the bit."
His expression changed back to guarded curiosity and it made Jack's palms sweat. "I thought you'd have wanted to forget all about that."
Ianto frowned again. "When I woke up," he said, ignoring the comment, "you'd been giving me mouth-to-mouth. Or so I thought at the time."
The sweat moved to the middle of Jack's back and he felt warm dread begin its run. "Yes," he said slowly.
"Thing is, the more I think on it, the more I realize that you weren't giving me mouth-to-mouth. I was lying there, in the dirty water and cold steel, but in your arms. And ... you'd been kissing me, hadn't you?"
Jack couldn't avoid the blush that rushed to his cheeks as he tried to think up a way to explain what he'd done without freaking Ianto out. Problem was, he couldn't. With a sigh of inevitability, he nodded. "Do you remember what happened with that alien who needed orgasmic energy like a drug?"
Ianto frowned, confused. "Yeah."
"Do you remember near the end when Carys was dying and I kissed her to give her life energy?" Jack watched several expressions run fleetingly over Ianto's face until one horrified image remained, reflecting the dawning realization that made Jack's stomach tighten.
"I was dying, wasn't I?" Ianto asked.
Jack tried out the hint of a smile, but it was painful and hard. "No, it was a bit more than that."
Ianto's brows knotted in confusion. "Sorry, what do you mean? What could be more than ..."
With a hard swallow, Jack said. "You were dead," he said softly, "and I breathed life back into you." At the wide-eyed look, he added in a rush, "And I'm so sorry if this makes me a bastard, but I really didn't want you to know that."
Ianto frowned. "Which part?"
"The dead part."
Ianto looked past him, mind racing as he mulled over the answer to his question. He looked scared and Jack hated that he hadn't thought up a credible lie.
"You okay?"
"Fine." Several more emotions flashed across Ianto's face, then finally, something approaching amusement filtered in, making Jack's brows rise in surprise.
"What?" he asked.
Ianto's lips twitched in an effort not to smile, something that he was vastly failing at. "So ... are you saying that your kiss saves lives?"
Jack quickly lost his battle not to smile in return. "Only the right sort of kiss."
"Would you like to explain how that works? I always wanted to ask but you have a knack for changing the subject."
Jack smirked at him. "I think you know the answer. Sort of."
"That apparently you can't die?"
"Yeah, that," Jack replied, clearing his throat.
"And?"
"And," Jack emphasized, "I can transfer my life force or energy or whatever the hell it is. Like I did with Carys."
Ianto stared at him, then said softly. "Like you did with me."
Jack cleared his throat again. "Yes."
"You didn't explain--"
"I don't know how it works. It just does."
"Right," Ianto said, clearly not satisfied but accepting Jack's answer anyway. "Alright. One more question then."
"Fire away," Jack said with a smile, wondering when the time would come when he'd start lying.
"Don't do that," Ianto said firmly, though his voice was soft and his eyes smiling.
"Do what?" Jack asked. It was his turn to be puzzled. Perversely, he liked it when that happened. It didn't come about that often.
"Use that smile. That's the 'charm' smile."
"Excuse me?" Jack asked with a short laugh.
"The charm smile. The one you use when you want to charm your way out of something. Most of the time, I let you get away with it."
"Not this time, huh?"
"No, not really."
"Oh," Jack said, now failing spectacularly in keeping the smile off his face.
"You're still doing it," Ianto smirked.
The wrinkles around Jack's eyes deepened. "Not on purpose."
"Maybe."
"Sorry," Jack replied, slipping his hands in his pockets.
"You're not."
Jack's smile faded slightly. Ianto seemed to be in the mood for an argument, but he wasn't. "Ask your question."
Ianto hesitated, as if mulling over a myriad of choices. "What happens when you kiss someone without having to save their life?"
Jack let out a short, quiet laugh. "That's when a kiss is just a kiss."
Ianto suddenly looked away, eyes on the screen. "A kiss is never just a kiss."
Jack didn't refute it, but he did wonder if he'd just lost his mind. He was stepping closer, reaching around Ianto's waist and pulling him against him in one smooth, fluid motion. He cupped his face and brought their lips together, and then he was tasting him, feeling him, and a longing sigh exhaled through his nose. It was matched by one of Ianto's while his hands fixed fiercely in Jack's hair.
When Ianto moved slightly against him, hips making contact, Jack felt his cock swell just as Ianto intensified the kiss. It would be so easy to take him to bed. So easy. And every single part of him wanted that very much. Just take him back to bed and make love for a very, very long time.
Regrettably, Jack was too old to let himself run with the cavalier recklessness of youth. He couldn't take him to bed, not now. If the feelings between them were real, if it wasn't a rebound kiss, and if there could be more between them, then this had to be taken slowly. Jack wasn't averse to one-off sex, but when it came to bedding someone he had power over, he knew better. That road never ended well. There had to be something substantial enough to take the risk and right now, he couldn't tell if the risk was genuine. Only time would do that.
Separating with reluctance, he brushed his thumb over the redness of Ianto's just-kissed lips. "We need to take this slow."
Ianto stared at him, frowned, then suddenly cleared his throat and turned away. Jack could feel the invisible wall being raised.
"Right," Ianto said, straightening his jacket as he tapped a few keys on the keyboard.
"Ianto," Jack began, annoyed at the response, but was interrupted by the alarm light flashing and the bulkhead door rolling open. "We'll talk about this later, okay?" he suggested quietly, but when Ianto didn't answer, he realized what was going on: he'd moved too soon.
With a wince, Jack made a mental note that as soon as things settled down again, he and Ianto would have a little chat. It would no doubt involve bribery and an apology or two.