"Let me get this straight Clark, you want dating tips, but you want them in context? And you think that I'd be willing to do it for you?"
Clark Kent nodded and lined up his shot, "You've offered me trucks and concert tickets, but you won't help me with something that needs your worldly experience? Look, not everyone's rich. I mean, I'm sure that you could woo and win a girl without money. You're a nice guy and all, but that's what you're used to, so your advice would be ... off."
"Off."
"It's simple. I take you out like I would Chloe. The kind of date I can afford. And you give me pointers as to how I could make it more romantic, special. You know, so I'm not like every other guy at school. Plus, there's the added bonus of not needing to pick a chick flick."
"Chick flick. Well, I can tell you two things right away: Let your date pick the movie and never use the term `chick flick' again." Lex sank two balls in quick succession.
Clark's million mega-watt smile lit the room. "So you'll pick the movie? It'll have to be at the mega-plex. And I'll come by at 6:30."
"Isn't that a little early?"
Clark missed his shot, "Most girls have a midnight curfew. If we want to see a movie and have a snack afterwards and have time to just, um, talk before I have to get her home, then the date has to start early."
Lex Luthor shook his head as he bent over the table. "Curfew. That had honestly never occurred to me."
"Let me get this straight, you asked Lex Luthor on a date?" Martha Kent began to roll out pastry dough with vehemence.
"Face it, mom, I've never been on a date. I'm kind of clueless about girls and since I'm planning on asking out Chloe, I can't ask her for tips."
Martha sighed, "You could have asked me for advice; I was a teenaged girl myself you know. Or your father." Martha put the lid on her chicken pot pie and cut ventilation.
"Dad? well, from what you told me, he dated like Whitney when he was my age. Captain of the football team, pick and choose from all the girls who think he's wonderful, and go steady with the one who thinks he's the most wonderful. If you're bald at 16, you probably have to work at dating a little even if you are a millionaire's son."
Martha sighed. "And I didn't grow up in a farm town, so you're right about my not knowing the finer points of dating here. But, Clark, people are people. The important things don't change from country to city."
"It's just... some of this stuff is hard enough to talk to Dad about and maybe it's a guy thing a little, because even if I weren't asking Chloe out, I'd still feel nervous about asking Chloe for pointers."
"May I make one little suggestion Clark? Don't tell your Dad that you're taking out Lex. He might not follow your logic." Martha put the pie in the oven and set the timer. "Finish your chores; dinner's in an hour."
Clark stole a carrot from the salad. "Thanks mom."
Lex had always been perplexed by dating rituals. The ones in Smallville seemed more bizarre than most. For one thing it was apparently a point of pride for teenaged boys not to look too nice when they picked up their dates. The boys tended to wear jeans or khakis with a slightly nicer shirt than usual. At least that was what Lana had said when he'd asked.
He'd been indirect about it, but he couldn't think of a better source for finding out Smallville's teenage mores. It worried Lex a little that she hadn't seemed at all surprised by the questions, nor had she questioned why he was interested. Every once in a while he caught himself wondering why Clark would be interested in someone so vapid. Then he remembered tonight's experiment was to aid Clark with Chloe.
And once Lana got started it was difficult to stop her; she kept commenting on why the dating rules were silly and why she and Whitney had done things differently even before they went steady. Somehow all it did was make Lex feel sorry for Whitney.
However, thanks to Lana's monologue, Lex now knew what "second base" meant in Smallville, why nice girls wanted to go to lovers' lane (to talk, it's so quiet there), and where the aforementioned lovers' lane was.
Even better, he had some idea of what was first through fifth date behavior, the fifth date being when second base could be rounded apparently, and what was OK only for steadies. There were some odd ones in the latter category. It was acceptable to share popcorn even with a close friend of the same sex. One mustn't share a giant sized drink until the fifth date. All of which would be very useful information for Clark, even if Chloe wasn't a typical Smallville teenager.
So, here he was figuring out exactly what he should wear for their date. Which wasn't a date. Digging through the back of his closet he found a pair of jeans, very tight and well-ironed jeans. Part one of operation "dress for a date" satisfied.
The problem was what else to wear. Somehow he didn't think Clark being seen with someone in a lavender or pink button down would help Clark's reputation, but all of his other shirts were dress shirts and that wouldn't look right. Then too, it had been a chilly spring. On the other hand, one of his expensive sweaters wouldn't look right with jeans. It took a few minutes, but he finally found it. The dark teal sweater a girlfriend had given him for Christmas the year he started at Princeton. Krista? Kirstie? It was cashmere, but a very plain V-neck, not some expensive steel grey thing like he wore while working at home.
A plain white T-shirt underneath it and white socks and loafers, Lex looked at the final effect and wondered exactly when he'd entered some late-1950s teen movie. He also tried to remember the last time it had taken him an hour to pick out an outfit for a date. That isn't a date.
The doorbell rang a minute or two later, Lex grabbed a jacket and headed downstairs. Slowly. Ms Lang had informed him that a girl never opened the door until a couple was going steady. Not that Lex needed to open his own door, that's why he had servants.
Clark was wearing jeans too as he stood in the foyer flipping the keys in his hand. Obviously, this was a pair that he kept for better than average days as they looked nearly unworn. He'd taken off his red jacket and was wearing a dark blue turtleneck which made him look older, somehow. Clark's face lit up as he saw Lex come down the stairs.
"Perfect. I was a little nervous that you wouldn't have anything to wear to the mall."
Lex smiled back.
"Let me get this straight, Spider-man is the perfect date movie?"
"Near-perfect and first date. You indicated that 'chick flicks' were out. And you know that most girls don't like shoot-'em-ups. Horror movies are an acquired taste and have too many grab possibilities for either party to be comfortable on a first date. Teen sex comedies feel like a sword of Damocles...what?"
"I'd hoped to get through one conversation without a reference to Classical history or mythology. Point taken though. I had a hard enough time watching 'American Pie' with Pete. Chloe was furious with us for not inviting her, but the dynamic would have changed; and now that I know she likes me, I'd never be able to remember it without blushing."
"You're blushing just thinking of the possibility. So, you get the sword of Damocles part. Spider-man's got action and cgi, but it also has romance and character development. The actors are good, Tobey Maguire's hot, there's that upside down kiss they show in the trailer. Most women find that very romantic."
"You mean Kirsten Dunst is hot, right." The look on Clark's face was priceless.
"Clark, you have to look at it from the girl's point of view. She's interested in you, therefore she's interested in guys. If she sees an attractive and sensitive guy, she'll be enamored and you'll benefit."
"This sounds like my trig class. The words all make sense, but the conclusion never seems right."
"What are you getting in trig?"
"A-"
Lex smiled. "Then learn the rules and don't worry about it making sense. Look, you like to see pretty girls, especially if they seem accessible, right. Why wouldn't Chloe or whoever want to see a guy like that?"
"Yeah, Lex, I get it. But you said Tobey Maguire was hot, not that you thought the girls would think he's hot."
"Clark, you're overthinking it."
"My sources..."
"Lana"
"My sources inform me that popcorn may be shared, drinks shouldn't be. I'll explain the fifth date rule later."
Clark looked at the options and the coupon he'd been given when he bought the tickets. He ordered the super special on the popcorn and got two smaller drinks.
Lex leaned against the counter and nodded, "Exactly. And unless you know for a fact that the girl really likes the yellow oil stuff, don't get the 'butter.' It discourages even discreet handholding."
He got a Coke, and, since the theater didn't have bottled water, Lex had a lemonade. As they walked into the theater, Lex looked for two seats together. It wasn't as crowded as he'd feared which meant he could impart more of his dating wisdom.
"All right, if you were taking her to a play or the ballet, the best place to sit would be toward the front of the balcony. It lets you guys see the stage, and lets you show her off. In the movie theater, she gets to pick the seats." Lex led Clark to the very back row and took the two seats closest to the center.
"All the way back here?"
"This is general information, apply to Chloe as necessary. That sounded wrong. Back to my point...if the girl, wears glasses, you want to sit where she puts you because she knows where she can best see the screen. If she doesn't, you want to sit where she puts you so you'll know how much she thinks she likes you. The farther back you sit, the more likely you are to hold her hand. In the very back row, she might let you put an arm around her."
"Do I have to yawn first?"
Clark had been surprised by the movie. They'd talked a little bit before it began about what they expected. Lex had made a couple of snarky comments during the previews, especially that one called 'The New Guy.'
Neither of them spoke during the movie, but once or twice their fingers had brushed as they reached for the popcorn. The third time their knuckles brushed they'd lingered, just a little. And Clark hadn't realized until the credits rolled that they'd spent the last part of the movie holding hands.
Now time for part two of the evening. There was an ice cream parlor, locally owned, not far from the mall. The crowd was about right for a Friday night, but there was a free table toward the back. As Lex looked at the menu, Clark surreptitiously checked his wallet.
"So do you prefer milkshakes or sodas?"
"I like both. Chocolate malteds and Peppermint sodas."
"Right." Lex examined the menu more closely. "What type of ice cream do you like in that soda?"
"Usually the mint, but sometimes I get green tea or chocolate."
The waitress came to the table. Clark said, "Get what you like, I'll have water."
"What's the problem, Clark."
"I've only got $6.00. I must've left the other ten in my school jacket."
Lex shook his head. "We'll have one giant peppermint soda with, God help me, green tea ice cream. Two spoons. Two straws."
"Lex?"
"You don't solve your financial problem by making your date feel guilty. You turn it into something romantic. Even with tax and tip your resources will cover the largest soda and she'll feel like Judy Garland in an old movie sipping from the same soda."
"And everyone in Smallville will notice that I've shared a soda with you."
"This not date thing was your idea. Besides, I'd never have the courage to try..."
"Peppermint soda with green tea ice cream. Two spoons, two straws. Can I get you 'gentlemen' anything else?"
"That'll be all." Lex waited for her to get out of earshot. "Don't tip her, with an attitude like that she doesn't deserve it."
"Nah, could've been worse." Clark blew his straw wrapper at Lex. "You're in for a treat."
The drive home was quiet.
"Clark, turn in here, OK?"
Clark saw the little lane Lex was pointing to. He pulled in, made certain that they were well off the road, and killed the engine. Lex turned in his seat to face him.
"Clark, I.," Clark turned and looked directly at Lex. "It never occurred to me that sharing a soda would get us those looks or those remarks. And I was just stupid."
"I know. Not the stupid part, but I know you wouldn't hurt anyone deliberately."
"Not true, Clark, I've hurt several people and enjoyed it. It's one of the things I'm not proud of, but this was unintentional."
"Look, the advice was good. The soda was good. And it was even good to know that there are so many unenlightened creeps around here. It was new information.
"You didn't seem surprised by any of it. Lex, do you get those remarks a lot?"
"In Smallville? I can hire or fire half the town before breakfast. But yeah, it's not the first time I've been called a faggot. By the way, your response was different from what I'd expected."
"Telling him that was a terrible way to ask you for a date? I'm sorry about that. It was rude of me."
"Rude. You're allowed to be rude to someone who's spoiling for a fight."
"The remark was directed at both of us. I shouldn't have implied that you were gay, and I wasn't."
"It's true, well, bi, but around here, who'd appreciate the distinction."
"I do. I mean, I figured Victoria wasn't there for her scintillating conversation. And I'd worked out that you were interested in me. Even before anyone hit me over the head about Chloe's interest in me."
"You had?"
"Yeah. But I like you. A lot. And, I didn't know how to say that I knew you might be interested in, in sex, I guess, without losing the friendship."
"Actually, that's a good way to handle it most of the time. I'm not going to just make a pass at you. I've been unrequited before, and, as you know from Lana, it hurts." Clark looked a little wounded at that. Lex made certain he had Clark's full attention before continuing "But losing the best friend I've had would hurt far more. I was serious about our destiny together. Nothing needs to change, Clark."
"Even if I want it to?"
Lex mentally took a step back. He saw that they'd both stretched out a bit as they spoke and now their arms were resting on the seatback. He wondered how long their hands had been touching.
"It depends, Clark. If it's just curiosity, drive to Metropolis and get a blow job. Or give one. Hell, make a pass at the quarterback."
Clark nodded for a moment then met Lex's eyes, "People keep talking to me about risk, and how I should appreciate how comfortable I am with Chloe. Risk the friendship for the potentially bigger prize. But all the Chloe and Lana stuff makes me think. When I have time to spend however I want, I go to you. If you're in a bad mood, I want to slay the dragons that caused it. You don't smile much, mostly half smiles even when you do, but sometime in the interim between asking you out and actually going out; I realized that you smile when we're together. I like that."
Lex laughed. "Take me home. If we don't leave now, I won't be home by curfew."
Clark looked puzzled, but nodded and started the car.
The rest of the drive was silent except for the jazz Lex had found on the radio. But this time the silence felt comfortable to Clark, and he wasn't entirely sure why.
It felt odd to be pulling up to the mansion in his mother's car. The perspective was different from the truck; now, the castle seemed bigger.
"Walk me to the door, Clark."
Clark smiled and got out of the car. As they walked up to the front door, their hands brushed against each other and Clark took Lex's hand.
"I'd ask you in, but Lana assures me that would be highly incorrect before the fifth date."
"You know, I finally figured out why she told you all that stuff. She thinks you're going to ask her out."
Lex looked a little stricken for a moment. They smiled at each other, framed in the doorway. Then Lex slowly slipped his arm around Clark's neck, and Clark pulled them into a gentle kiss.
Lex couldn't remember the last time he'd been kissed so thoroughly; Clark realized that this was what he'd missed with the only three kisses he'd had before. It was sweet, hot, and tender.
"Lex..."
Lex thought he could watch Clark lick his lips all night. "I'm not a girl, Clark. I'm not a teenager. But I think we need to take this slowly. Nothing until you're sure enough at least to tell your Mom."
"She might have at least a hint already. And Lex, by tomorrow, the whole town's going to know that we went out on a date." Clark leaned in for another kiss. Strength, passion, parting lips, this kiss felt like time stopped. "Lex, why are your porch lights flashing?"
"I told my valet that we needed to recreate the true small town first date experience for you." Lex was trying very hard to keep a straight face. "On the plus side, I'll only make you wait until the third date to get to second base."
Clark lit up. "Tomorrow's Saturday, we could go to a museum in Metropolis after the market in the morning. Grab a hamburger on the way back. That way next Friday will be our third date."
This time Lex laughed and found himself caught up in the best kiss yet. "I like the way you think." And he walked into the house feeling the warmth of Clark's grin until he closed the door.