(aka, making fun of my favorite show)
Author Note: Aside from being very silly, this is also a Slash-themed version of the episodes. If you don't know what Slash means, it means a homosexual relationship, not a heterosexual one. If this offends you, then hit the backspace.
1. (Avalon) Ever On --
Jack leaves the lights on when he departs for DC, making everyone think he's still in his office when General Landry shows up to take the job. While Landry searches for notes that Jack *said* he left, there's no sign of Daniel, Teal'c, and Sam. It's assumed they've gone on extended vacation but no one knows where anything is because Landry can't find the notes and Jack's locked everything else up in the Commander's desk. Sergeant Walter Davis-Harriman is worrying over his name change and also worries if anyone will figure out he's gay. LTC Cameron Mitchell shows up to take Sam's place on SG-1, except he ends up going on missions by himself because no one knows where the rest of SG-1 is and Landry's too afraid to replace them without the personnel files... which Walter is purposely hiding.
2. (Avalon 2) Ever Onward --
The notes left by Jack are discovered and deciphered. Sam's apparently at Area 51, Daniel's onboard the Prometheus with some asshole Colonel in charge(not Pendergast anymore, apparently), Teal'c is on Dakara, partying with Bra'tac; none of them have any intention of returning. Till the crazy Vala, who stole the Prometheus last year shows up at the SGC to announce that she's having Daniel's love child. "Where's my Daniel!" she says, stomping her feet, upon which her tits fall out of her leather bustier and all men in the gateroom spontaneously combust. Except for Walter, of course. The Prometheus then has to turn around and bring Daniel home to face the "charges" which end up being false. Instead, she's carrying something she says is way better. Also, Dr. Caroline Lam joins the SGC as the new CMO, but threatens to leave when she finds out Daddy is running things.
3. (Origin) Ouija --
Sam refuses to leave Area 51 and her new toys so it's Daniel, Vala, and Cameron who go out on a mission to find a necklace that Vala says is worth millions. Apparently, it has some sort of power source she never got to sell, and they find out that the necklace is actually the piece to an ancient Ouija board and the spirit of Martouf comes through to tell them all they're fucked, that some ascended Ancients called Orii, from another galaxy, are on their way to consume everyone's' souls. Everyone goes home to wonder what the fuck the point of that mission was, other than the warning. Vala's given quarters, which she never spends time in, preferring to visit other personnel quarters. She also keeps popping up in Daniel's quarters on the pretense that she got bored and Daniel keeps kicking her out. Vala starts to suspect that Daniel's gay simply because he isn't aroused by her. How could he not be?
4. (The Ties That Bind) Ties that Blind --
While waiting for the Orii, Cam mistakes Vala's Domme book for Daniel's and lures him into a room where he's blinded and bound. As the two embark on some fantastic sex, Vala finds her book's gone, decides that it's not just Daniel who's gay and goes on a search via the security center. After getting rid of the guards, she turns the cameras onto Daniel and Cam's little party room, then sells tickets to the best gay porn show ever seen. Afterward, when Daniel and Cameron realize what's happened, and hide from Landry. When Landry catches up with them, he's not mad about the sex but that they got caught by *Vala.* There are jeers and cheers in the corridors for the next week, during which Daniel and Cam discover how much money Vala made and raid her room for their cut. Everyone is amazingly fine with the homosexual status of several key employees, which is as it *should* be--except Queen Bitch Walter is now pissed off at our two budding porn stars for keeping such a secret from him. ::pout::
5. (The Powers That Be) The Bowers That Pee --
Two months after the Porn Party, people realize that there's a horrible smell coming from the ventilation shafts. They discover there's a sewage problem and Landry orders the team to figure out who plugged up the works before they're all driven off the mountain by the stench. Dr. Lam threatens once more to leave the SGC, crying that she's working in a shithole. For a while, she actually is.
6. (Beachhead) Bleachhead --
The team goes to Dakara to convince Teal'c to return to SG-1. They find that his hair's been bleached blond and he's surrounded by a harem of doped up, vapid, vane and selfish blonde Valley Girls, women stolen from Earth years before by a mischievous Asgard named Loki. It takes several fights, bruises, and broken egos, before Daniel convinces Teal'c to come... er, join... SG-1 again. When they return home, Vala is mysteriously invigorated after having beaten the shit out of Teal'c's blonde bimbo harem and Dr. Lam tells her it's a common symptom that relates to a violent dream that most Earth women have. Kinda like PMS only better.
7. (Ex Deus Machina) Cause And Effect --
Sam's new nickname is D.E.M. because she's developed cloning technology and reproduces herself to appear whenever the SGC needs a blonde bimbo superhero. Vala goes through convulsions whenever she shows up and Dr. Lam has to sedate her when it happens. DEM's lab is raided, however, and the DNA messed with, by Baal. Soon, there are several dozen Baals running around. ::smirk:: A week later, SG-1, except for Teal'c, discovers mysterious invitations in their mailboxes that request their presence at a sex party. When they arrive at a mansion to hopefully get and kill the real Baal, three copy Baals tie Cam and Daniel to chairs and force them to watch as everyone else has sex. Twelve hours later, the SGC special ops teams find the mansion and "rescue" Vala before she can inflict any more sexual damage on the Baals. Daniel and Cam are taken to the infirmary, however, because they seem to be suffering from an overdose of voyeurism and their eyes are glazed over. General Landry then orders all clones destroyed and has DEM (Sam) close up shop and return to the SGC but not on SG-1. She arrives in a classic hissy fit and everyone hides from her for two days, except Walter. They cry their laments and frustrations over Bloody Mary's at O'Malley's.
8. (Babylon) Babble On --
After Daniel recovers from his voyeurism glaze, he discovers that he can't stop talking fast. Vala strangely takes it for a challenge, considering how fast she talks, and the two get into a talking war. Cam tries to help and ends up getting hit in the throat and rendered mute. Teal'c solves the case by zatting everyone, including Cam (just for fun, to see him jump, even if Cam wasn't involved).
9. (Prototype) Protozoa --
The team makes copies of the Star Trek episode, "The Immunity Syndrome" so that perhaps someone will discover how to get rid of a giant amoeba found on Dakara that's making its way toward the temple. They find out, without Dr. Lam's help, not DEM's, that it's just a giant spermatozoan left by the Mayan aliens on the planet Daniel had disappeared on years before. Cam ends up calling Dakara, "Dick Drop."
10. (The Fourth Horseman) The Sam and Jack Horsewomen --
Going to visit Jack in D.C., the team discovers several hundred canisters of psychotropic drugs being fed into an apartment house across from where Jack's house is. They discover that these women have somehow created a relationship between Jack and Sam and have been making up stories about it all over the internet. Too wussy to enter the building, Sam hides with Teal'c at Jack's while Daniel, Cam, and Vala go through the building with Zats, getting rid of the smarmy propaganda that has been ruining both Sam and Jack's careers.
11. (Collateral Damage) Collated Cabbage --
The team gets stuck in a world where there are sentient carnivorous plants. Daniel and Cam look like good eatin' so Teal'c and Vala go crazy with machetes.
12. (Ripple Effect) Piddle Effect --
The guys discover that Vala is suddenly worshipped because she took a piddle on an ancient shrine and wasn't attacked for it.
13. (Ethon) Ether --
Some fun in the lab while they're off duty and Dr. Lam gets wind of it. Episode involves a number of hiding places and groping sessions, woohoo!
14. (Stronghold) Strong Mold --
Cam discovers a woman onbase is making "plaster casters"--plaster molds of men's dicks--and finds that his and Daniel's names are at the bottom of a long list and don't know whether to be pissed off or not. They also see that Teal'c's name's been crossed off and it explains the smug look on his face for the last few weeks.
15. (Off the Grid) Auction Bid --
Daniel comes home to discover that Vala's been trying to sell off the contents to his archeological artifacts. He punishes her by creating an email flyer stating that her "services" are for sale to the highest bidder. An impromptu auction is held, after her kidnapping, on level 23's cargo bay and Landry arrives in the nick of time to keep her from being sold to a bunch of Marines. Daniel pleads that he had no intention of her coming to harm, but he's placed on suspension, as is Cam, for helping him. Sam and Teal'c have been mysteriously absent, however, and no one knows where they are. When they show up, Landry puts them on warning. In a huff, Teal'c leaves for Dakara and Sam has another hissy fit. Meanwhile, Daniel and Cam can't enjoy their suspension together since it requires being onbase, not off. Landry's place a ban on sex. Figures if he ain't getting any, no one is.
16. (The Scourge) The Urge --
The sex embargo is lifted when SG-13 brings back a virus in the classic cliché of "the aliens made me do it."
17. (Arthur's Mantle) The Leather Paddle --
Orlin shows up as a little boy to help with an Orii virus, and Sam's having hot flashes and blaming it on approaching menopause while at the same time saying she's too young for it. The only thing, mysteriously, that can calm her flashes is having Teal'c take her to Vala's Domme room (on level 15). At the end, Orlin saves the day, jerks off to a video of Sam being spanked, then the poor thing dies and reascends.
18. (Crusade) You Made Me --
Oma Desala shows back up, looking pretty smug at having finally gotten some help from the other Ascended in killing Anubis, and helps in the fight to save humanity, and themselves, from the Orii. While floating around the SGC, she and Daniel have these horrible arguments that would peel paint off cement, and the only thing that people ever hear that makes "sense" is Daniel shouting, "You made me!" No one can figure it out by the end of the episode.
19. (Camelot) Camel Rot --
The Orii send another plague that kills all the camels. It creates an economic upheaval and wars are started over it. While people are busy fighting, the Orii suck all the angry energy out of them while the SGC evacuates to the Alpha Site. Jack and others are flown in to join them and everyone gets the hell outta dodge. At the Alpha Site, Jack finally notices Daniel because Daniel spends all his free time with Cam, and comes onto him in the radio room while Daniel's studying a transmission. At that moment, Cam's just entered the room.